Playful humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
Three nuns on a monthly trip to the city to sell goods from the convent’s garden got hit by a drunk driver and killed. They all went to heaven where they were met by St. Peter at the gate.
St. Peter, seeing that they were nuns, told them, “Well, ladies, seeing that you are all religious types, we’ll have to administer a little admissions test before letting you in. Nothing to worry about. Only one question.”
St. Peter asks the first nun, “OK, your question is: Who was the first man on earth?”
The nun replies, “Oh, that’s easy. It was Adam.”
Lights flash. Horns blow. The gates open wide and she was let in.
St. Peter then asks the second nun, “OK, your question is: Who was the first woman on earth?”
The nun replies, “Oh, that’s easy. It was Eve.”
And again, lights flash. Horns blow. The gates open wide and she was let in.
St. Peter then tells the third nun, “Well, you ladies are really on top of things. I’ll have to think of a more difficult question. Oh, I have it. Your question is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when she saw him?”
The third nun gets a rather confused look on her face, begins scratching her head and finally replies, “Gee, that’s a hard one.”
Lights flash. Horns blow. The gates open wide and she was let in.
Petey Penguin goes on holiday to the land down under and takes a road trip across the Nullarbor Plain, a notoriously isolated road running for thousands of miles through hot, hot desert without a tree in sight.
After days of driving through endless harsh desert, the engine in his clapped-out combi starts to splutter and die. Through the rippling heat haze ahead of him, Petey thinks he can just make out a servo (petrol station) in the far distance.
With the air-con in his combi spurting out hot air and the engine spewing out smoke, he manages to limp the van into the shade of the servo.
Petey’s luck is in! Not only does the servo have a mechanic and workshop, but also a nice air-conditioned shop, complete with a full gelato (ice-cream) bar!
Petey explains his predicament to the friendly mechanic and then beats a retreat to the shop to cool down. Penguins aren’t great in the heat! He buys a whole tub of vanilla ice-cream and goes to town, like a dog at a tucker box, flippers to beak, no time for spoons, ice-cream flying everywhere!
After he’s recovered his cool, Petey waddles out to talk to the mechanic, who’s busy working on the car.
“Any idea what’s wrong with it?” Petey warbles nervously.
“Yeah-nah. Looks like you’ve blown a seal!” drawls the mechanic.
“No! It’s just ice-cream, honest!”
Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat.
Attendant says, “WTF — you have 5 penguins in your back seat.”
“I KNOW!” the guy says. “They jumped in at the light, and now I don’t know what to do.”
Attendant thinks for a second and says, “I’ll tell you what I’d do — I’d take them to the zoo.”
“That’s a great idea!” says the driver.
A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they’re wearing sunglasses.
“What are you doing — I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!” exclaims the attendant.
“We did go! We had a great time! Today we’re going to the beach!”
A guy from the city decides he wants to go duck hunting. He’s out for several days before he even catches sight of a duck. Finally, he sees the perfect duck, takes aim, and fires. The duck falls, hits a barn, and goes into a farmer’s yard.
The hunter climbs over the fence and goes into the farmer’s yard to get the duck. As soon as the hunter bends over to pick up the duck, this huge farmer comes out of the house. He takes one look at the hunter and says, “What are you doing in my yard?”
The hunter points at the duck and says, “I’ve come to get the duck. It’s my duck.”
The farmer says, “That’s not your duck. This is my yard. That duck fell and hit my barn.”
The hunter is not about to give up the duck. He says, “That’s not your duck. I shot the duck. I’ve been out hunting for a couple of days. Give me a break. You know, I’m from the city.”
The farmer says, “You’re from the city? Well, you don’t understand about how property works in the country, do you? This is my property. It’s my duck. But, I’m a fair guy, so I’ll give you a chance to get the duck by settling our disagreement country style.”
The hunter says, “Country style?”
The farmer nods, a great big smile on his face, and says, “Yeah. Country style.”
The hunter frowns and asks, “How do you settle it country style?”
The farmer’s smile gets even wider, and he says, “I kick you in the groin. And then you kick me in the groin. And we take turns kicking each other in the groin. Whoever’s left standing keeps the duck.”
The hunter does not like the sound of that, but he wants the duck. So he says, “Well, if that’s what I have to do.”
The farmer nods and says, “I go first.” He hauls off and…WHACK. He kicks the hunter square in the groin. The hunter falls to the ground, clutching his groin and moaning in pain.
After several minutes of rolling around in the dirt, the hunter manages to climb back up to his feet. He takes a deep breath and says, “Okay. I guess it’s my turn.”
The farmer shrugs and says, “You can have the duck.”
Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?
He takes things personally!
A man and a woman happened to be seated side by side in first class on a cross-country flight. The flight was smooth, the seats were comfortable, and they had both settled in with their books.
Then, without warning, the woman sneezed. She reached for a tissue, dabbed her nose politely — and then shuddered from head to toe as though someone had plugged her in. The man glanced over but said nothing.
A few minutes later it happened again. She sneezed, reached for her tissue, and once more shook like a leaf in a thunderstorm. The man shifted in his seat. He tried to focus on his book. He could not.
After the third time it happened, he set his book down, turned to her as discreetly as he could, and said, “Pardon me, ma’am — I don’t mean to pry, but three times now you’ve sneezed and then, well, shuddered something fierce right afterward. I just wanted to make sure you were all right.”
The woman looked a touch embarrassed but smiled graciously. “That’s very kind of you,” she said. “I have a rather rare medical condition. Every time I sneeze, I — how shall I put this — I have a very strong orgasm.”
The man blinked. He opened his mouth. He closed it again. Then he said, “Goodness. I’ve never heard of anything like that. Are there any treatments? What do you take for it?”
She turned to him with a perfectly straight face and replied, “Pepper.”
A newly married couple were lying in bed on the first night of their honeymoon when the husband, in a moment of what he would later describe as very poor judgment, propped himself up on one elbow and said, “Sweetheart… can I ask you something personal? How many men have you been with before me?”
His wife said nothing. He waited. Still nothing. She was lying perfectly flat on her back, staring at the ceiling with a faraway expression.
“Honey?” he tried again. “I hope I didn’t offend you. I was just curious. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
Not a word. He started to feel genuinely bad. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Truly. It doesn’t matter one bit. I love you completely, whatever your answer might be.”
He waited another minute. She kept staring at the ceiling. Her lips moved ever so slightly. He leaned in close. “Sweetheart? Are you all right?”
She turned to him slowly, with the look of a woman who has been very seriously interrupted, and said, “For heaven’s sake, would you please stop talking? I’m still counting.”
Once upon a time Cinderella was getting ready to go out on a date with Prince Charming. She approaches her Fairy Godmother and asks for some birth control.
“Absolutely not!” says her Fairy Godmother.
“Fine,” says Cinderella. “But just remember this when there are a bunch of little princes running around.”
So her Fairy Godmother thinks about it and relents. “Okay,” she says, “I’ve turned this pumpkin into a diaphragm. However, you’d better be back before midnight, because that’s when it will turn back into a pumpkin.”
So Cinderella goes out, and her Fairy Godmother is waiting for Cinderella to return. It’s midnight, then 1:00, then 2:00.
Finally Cinderella comes staggering in at 2:30, a dreamy look in her eyes.
“Where have you been?” demands her Fairy Godmother.
“Out,” says Cinderella.
“Didn’t that diaphragm turn back into a pumpkin at midnight?”
“Yes.”
“Well… what happened?” asks her Fairy Godmother.
And Cinderella says, “I met the nicest guy… named Peter Peter.”
