In many places it is now unlawful to play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Tone: Playful
Playful humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
Spiderman Eats Thieves
Spider-Man Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web Any size
Catches thieves Eats those guys
Hey wait Don’t do that Spider-Man
-
Who the Hell is Bob?
There once was a service man who toured the Middle East and married a beautiful little China doll. He brought her back to the states and they were very happy. He always enjoyed looking at her rear end and telling her what a beautiful butt she had.
Every day it was, “Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have.”
Every night it was, “Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have.”
Well his birthday was getting close and she wanted to surprise him with a tattoo on her rear end that said, “Beautiful Butt.” So she finds a reputable tattoo artist and explains what she wants. Well the artist asks her to turn around and after a brief pause says, “There is no way I can get ‘Beautiful Butt’ on your tiny little beautiful butt. But I can put a nice ‘B’ on each cheek which will stand for ‘Beautiful Butt.’”
A bit disappointed, she agrees and leaves with her B’s. Well the big day arrives and after a candle light dinner, gifts, and a sip of brandy, she appears in the bedroom in her birthday suit, turns around and bends over.
Quickly sitting up he exclaims, “Darling I love you, but who the hell is Bob?”
-
Swedish Massage With a Twist
A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.
A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.
“You wanna wank?”, she asked.
“You bet,” came the excited reply.
“O.K.,” she said, “I come back in ten minutes.”
-
Tonto Kowalski, Nice to Meet You
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”
He coolly replies, “Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you.”
-
Selfish Husband Turns Pleasure Condom Inside Out
My wife suggested that we use a new type of condom. It had ridges and bumps and feathers on the side and a shape like a chicken head on the top.
I asked what it was and she explained that it was “especially designed to provide the maximum pleasure for woman”.
I was having none of this and put it on inside out. Why should she get all the fun?
-
Sex Life Scored by Guessing Game Results
Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points. If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience.
Now please begin.
“CLUES”
1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
2. I’m spread before I’m eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.
3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I’m called a big swinger.
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn’t maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.
5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.
7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.
8. All day long, it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.
9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news.
11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.
Answers:
1. nose
2. peanut butter
3. crane
4. Titanic
5. tent
6. dentist
7. wedding ring
8. elevator
9. chewing gum
10. newspaper boy
11. glove
12. arrow
13. attorney -
Dismayed
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed.
-
Japanese Restaurant Chili
Guy: Hey I’d like to have some chili
Waitress: I’m sorry sir but this is a Japanese Restaurant
Guy: *stretches his eyes* Herro, I’d rike to have some chiri
-
Penguin Covered in Mustard
Penguins are funny. Mustard is funny. But do you think a penguin covered in mustard would be funny? I don’t know, but it might help if he were wearing a bib, ’cause bibs are funny.
