Tone: Playful

Playful humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Checkout Girl’s Creative Sizing Solution

    This guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 mins in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms, not wanting to line up again he said to the girl “Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot”, to which she replied “Do you know what size you are?” and he said “no”.

    The girl then said “OK drop your pants and I’ll tell you what size you are”, the guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone “1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 Please”, he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way.

    Another male customer sees this and thinks he’d like to have this nice girl fondling his manhood and so says the same thing to the girl and a similar course of events takes place only this time after having a feel she says “One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please”, the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way.

    Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. Upon reaching the checkout girl he says “I’d like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot” and the girl replies “Do you know what size you are?” and he says “Nope” and then she asks him to drop his trousers and she has a feel, after which she says into the microphone “Mop and Bucket to aisle 3 please!”

  • Island Duty Roster Beats Romantic Getaway

    A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.

    The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”

    They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

    A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”

    Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

    Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!”

    They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

    Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.”

  • LMFAO Discography

    LMFAO Discography

    lol i’d never checked out LMFAO’s full discography before

    Party Rock (2009)

    Sorry for Party Rocking (2011)

    We Were Going Through Some Stuff (2012)

    Mistakes Were Made (2014)

    We Are Always Growing and Learning (2015)

    We Will Strive To Do Better In Future (2017)

  • Seven-Year-Old’s Budget Marriage Proposal Plan

    A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, “Me and Janie is getting married.”

    “Oh?” says the mother. “And how old is Janie?”

    “Five,” replies the boy.

    “And where will you live?” asks the mother.

    “Well,” says the boy, “Janie’s room is bigger than my room, so we’ll live in her room.”

    “How about expenses?” asks the father. “What are you going to do for money?”

    “I get a dollar a week in allowance,” says the lad, “and Janie gets seventy five cents. If we put them together we’ll be okay.”

    “I see,” says the father. “But what are you going to do if you have children?”

    “Well,” says the boy, “we’ve been lucky so far.”

  • Fuzz versus Tits: A Street Corner Debate

    Two prostitutes are standing on a street corner. One says to the other, “Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The other replies, “No, but I’ve been swung around by the tits!”

  • Disable Flash

    Disable Flash

    When you press “disable flash” on your camera

  • Condom Saves the Day

    “First,” said the playboy, “I’m going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose.”

    “Oh no you’re not,” said the girl.

    “Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.”

    “Oh no you’re not.”

    “Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.”

    “Oh no you’re not.”

    “Then I’m going to make violent, passionate love to you.”

    “Oh no you’re not.”

    “And I’m not going to wear a condom either!” said the guy.

    “Oh yes you are!” said the girl

  • Location-Based Orgasms: A Punny Guide

    Situations you may find yourself in, and the orgasms you may encounter…

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Sex in a boat – oar-gasms.

    Sex with a nerd – dork-gasms.

    Sex at the entrance to your house – door-gasms.

    Sex on carpet or linoleum – floor-gasms.

    Sex at the supermarket – store-gasms.

    Sex at a Steven King Movie – horror-gasms.

    Sex with a prostitute – whore-gasms.

    Sex with an accountant – bore-gasms.

    Sex while sleeping – snore-gasms.

    Sex with ‘Arthur’ – Dudley Moore-gasms.

    Sex with cartoon donkeys – Eyeore-gasms.

    Sex while broke – poor-gasms.

    Sex with a lion – roar-gasms.

    Sex for hours and hours on end – sore-gasms.

    Sex on a golf course – fore-gasms.

    Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) – more-gasms.

    Sex in a gold mine – ore-gasms.

    Sex with a dermatologist – pore-gasms.

    Sex with a politician – Al Gore-gasms.

    Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers – s’more-gasms.

    Sex with a bullfighter – toreador-gasms.

    Sex with a masked man carrying a sword – zorro-gasms.

    Sex on the beach – shore-gasms.

    Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet – smorgasbord-gasms.

    Sex on a cruise ship deck – shuffleboard-gasms.

    Sex in asia – Singapore-gasms.

    Sex among the wonders of nature – outdoor-gasms.

    Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can – odor-gasms.

    Sex on the way to the train – ‘All Aboard’-gasms.

    Sex that wasn’t very satisfying – ‘There’s the door’-gasms.

    Sex in an adult theater – hard-core-gasms.

    Sex with someone who’s not paying attention – ignore-gasms.

    Sex with a competitive partner – score-gasms.

    Sex while flying – soar-gasms.

    Sex with a beloved partner – adore-gasms.

    Sex with a meat-eater – carnivore-gasms.

    Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo – pompadore-gasms.

    Sex with someone who’s got bad taste in clothes – velour-gasms.

    Sex while travelling – tour-gasms.

    Sex with a big dog – labrador-gasms.

    Sex with Beavis and Butthead – ‘GonnaScore’-gasms.

    Sex on stairs at the mall – escalator-gasms.

    Sex with three of your friends – four-gasms.

    Sex with a norse God – Thor-gasms.

    Sex when resistance is futile – Borg-gasms.

  • Ranch Dressing

    Ranch Dressing

    If you wear cowboy clothes are you ranch dressing

  • Manners at the Dinner Table Apply Everywhere

    The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. “I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table.”

    Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. “Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.

    “Yes,” replied the young woman, “much better.”

    “Very good, darling,” the husband whispered. “Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?”