Dentist: “You need to—”
Me: “I need to floss more.”
Dentist: “No, you need to get out of my house. It’s 2:30 a.m.”
Me…
Dentist…
Me: [muffled behind ski mask] “Tooth hurty a.m.”
Tone: Playful
Playful humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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But I Like How Youre Thinking
Teacher is teaching her class and notices that Johnny isn’t paying attention.
So she calls on him: “Johnny, if there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?”
Johnny replies, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there would be two left, but I like how you’re thinking.”
Then Johnny turns the tables and asks the teacher: “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream—which one is married?”
The teacher, trying to be proper, says, “The one sucking her ice cream.”
Johnny grins and says, “No, the one with the wedding ring… but I like how you’re thinking!”
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Easy Peasy Lemons Queasy
A pea, a lemon, and a potato were leaving a bar at the top of a very steep hill after a long night.
The pea, feeling quite energetic, shouted, “Lads! We’re all round—let’s just roll home!” and immediately shot down the hill.
The lemon wobbled after him, but his oval shape made him list violently from side to side, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. The potato followed behind, trundling along slowly.
When the potato finally reached the bottom, he found the lemon leaning against a lamp post, looking very pale and clearly sick. The pea, however, was already jumping up and down. “That was brilliant! Let’s do it again!”
The potato looked at the lemon, then back at the pea, and said: “Easy peasy, lemon’s queasy.”
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Two Cups of Coffee and an Ice Cream
Mick is out around town doing a bit of shopping, in one particular store he spots something shiny behind the counter and says to the assistant, “What’s that thing there?”
“It’s a thermos flask,” says the assistant.
“What does it do?” Mick asks.
“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, sir,” she replies.
Mick buys the thermos flask and takes it to work the next day. At lunch time he sits down and takes it out of his rucksack.
“What’s that thing?” Paddy asks.
“It’s a thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” Mick says.
“Is that so? What’ve you got in it?” asks Paddy.
Mick says, “Two cups of coffee and an ice cream.”
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Virgil Won
Two old brothers — Hank and Earl — had a lifelong rivalry going with their neighbour Virgil, all three of them living in the same remote corner of northern Montana, where winters were the kind of cold that made your eyebrows hurt.
One February evening, the three of them were nursing drinks at the only bar in town, and the argument that started every year around this time broke out again.
“Boys,” said Hank, “I’m telling you right now — my place is the coldest in the county.”
“Ha,” said Earl. “You’ve never even spent a night in my cabin.”
Virgil just smiled into his glass and said nothing, which irritated the other two more than any boast could.
They agreed to end the argument once and for all. First stop was Hank’s place.
He led them to the porch, filled a tin cup with water from the tap, and flung it into the air. It hit the ground as a solid disc of ice.
“Not bad,” said Virgil. “Not bad at all.”
Earl just raised an eyebrow.
Over at Earl’s cabin, he stood in the doorway, drew a long slow breath, and let it out. The exhale left his mouth as a mist — and then clattered to the floor in a tiny frozen clump.
“Alright,” Hank admitted. “That’s cold.”
But Virgil still hadn’t said a word.
When they reached Virgil’s cabin, he didn’t take them to the porch or the doorway. He took them straight to the bedroom.
He pulled back the blankets on the bed and carefully lifted something out — a small, perfectly round ball of ice. He carried it to the kitchen, set it on a spoon, and held a lit match beneath it.
The three of them stood in silence, watching it slowly thaw.
And then, the moment it softened just enough —
“FFFAAAARRRRTTT!”
Virgil won.
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Does It Hurt as Much as Tennis Elbow
A man got on the train with both front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept staring at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after several curious glances, he said, “It’s golf balls.”
She kept looking, thinking hard, then finally asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
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The Egg Timers Broken
This morning my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose a moment, I didn’t waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, “Thanks!” and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She giggled, “The egg timer’s broken.”
