Playful humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, “Where does you go to school?”
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.
“Yale,” she replied.
The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, “WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”
Favorite Ways To Annoy A Yankee
1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3. When giving directions, finish with “and it’s right down yonder on the left.” Confuses the mess out of ’em.
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying.
5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell ’em “Delta’s ready when you are!”
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy ’em!)
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don’t have it, raise a ruckus.
9. Offer to send ’em a bottle of fresh air.
10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie — John Michael — Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)
11. Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If anyone ever says the words “Civil War”, always interject that “there was nothing civil about it.”
12. Address all males as “son” and females as “little lady”.
13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It’s “Pah-kahn” not “Pee-can”. (Amen)
14. Put Tabasco on everything.
15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say “Yo, I’m from upstate New Yoik!”, say “Well, I’ll be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!”
16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.
17. Name all of your children “Bubba”. (or just call ’em that!)
18. Use the word “reckon” in a sentence and watch their reaction.
19. “Mash” buttons. “Cut” off lights. “Carry” the kids to school.
20. Never simply “do” something. Be “fixin’ to do” something.
21. Tell them you don’t have an accent, they do.
22. Be sure to include “yes/no ma’am/sir” in all conversations…Offends the heck out of ’em.
23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. “Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there…” “You said left.” “Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town..”
24. Ask them if it’s still snowing up North. Then tell ’em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
25. Call ’em a yankee. Works every time.
Bubba from the lower valley decided he wanted to get married, and brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa over grits and gravy the other night.
“Bubba,” Ma said, “you can’t get married yet. Why, you’re the baby of the family.”
“But Ma,” Bubba protested, “I had my 38th birthday jest last week.”
“We know that, Bubba,” Pa chimed in. “But your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school.”
Advice for Yankees Moving South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba.” You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
9. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”
10. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
12. Be advised: The “He needed killin’” defense is valid here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
17. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
19. Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
20. If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male/female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this — when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better — your ear or your finger?”
During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Roxanne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Roxanne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her.
Groggily, she raised her head and said, “One at a time, boys…..one at a time.”
A prostitute enters a pub and notices a Panda bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the panda bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the Panda gets up and wanders towards the door. “HEY! Where are you going?” yells the prostitute. “I haven’t been paid!”
Realizing that he is a Panda bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute.
She shows him the definition: PROSTITUTE (pros’ti toot) n. A woman who performs sexual services for money.
The Panda bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition: PANDA BEAR (pan der bare) n. Eats shoots and leaves.
One night, a four-year-old heard some strange noises in his parents’ bedroom, so he gets out of bed to check it out. He enters their room and sees his father on top of his mother.
Pretty confused, he asks them what they were doing. Reckoning there was not a good time for the “flowers and the bees” story, Dad says, “Uh, we’re, like, making a little brother for you.”
The kid gets very upset and leaves the room sobbing, “I don’t wanna little brooootheeer!”
Next night, same thing, just that Mom was on top of Dad. “What now?”, wants the boy to know. Embarrassed, Mom says they were making a little sister for him.
“I don’t want no little siiiisteeeeer!”, whimpers the kid, while returning to his bed.
Third night he had the same sleeping problem. This time, in the parents’ bed, the father was behind the mother, so he just slaps the door very angry, crying, “I don’t want a doooog!”
On the day of the wedding, the bride was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family…
And then she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes and began to panic.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to the bride for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over the bride’s feet were hurting real bad.
When she and the groom withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard the groom say, “God, that was tight.”
“There,” whispered the mother of the bride. “I told you she was a virgin.”
Then, to their surprise, they heard the groom say, “Right. Now for the other one.” Followed by more grunting and straining, at last the groom said, “My God. That was even tighter.”
“That’s my boy,” said the father of the groom. “Once a sailor, always a sailor.”
