Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
My wife asked me to go see a psychologist about my anger issues.
The doctor asked, “If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?”
I replied, “I’d get in my helicopter and fly away!”
The doctor asked, “Where did you get a helicopter?”
I replied, “The same freaking place you got that train from, dipshit!”
Wife: Hey babe! I have to be honest with you about something.
Husband: Okay?
Wife: So the other night when you went out and you weren’t answering any of my texts or calls, I kind of went a little crazy.
Husband: (alarmed) What have you done?
Wife: I looked through your car and I couldn’t find any hair.
Husband: Of course, you’re not gonna find any hair.
Wife: So, you’re messing with bald bitches now? Is that what we’re into now? You go from one extreme to the next… like bald bitches.
Husband: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
We have X-rays to see bones, ultrasounds to see babies, and an MRI to see the brain.
Is a finger in the ass really necessary for a prostate exam?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent…
So, I woke him up at 2am to tell him my sock fell off and then again at 4 to tell him I needed to pee.
Bob the Builder walks up to a girl in a nightclub and says, “I have an 8 inch dick, and I can shag all night!”
After a few drinks, she takes Bob home with her.
The next morning, she says, “You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night! Instead, you have a 5 inch dick and lasted three minutes!”
Bob replies, “I’m a builder, love. It was an estimate.”
I was looking at my wife, no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up.
Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.
“You are a mess and I’m disgusted with you,” I said.
“I’m still the woman you love and married,” she said. “Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit.”
“We’re on our fuckin honeymoon,” I replied…
What’s black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who’s told too many blonde jokes.
What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.
What’s the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.
Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.
What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.
What’s a brunette’s mating call?
“Has the blonde left yet?”
Why didn’t Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo’s butt was more manageable.
Why is the brunette considered an evil color?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation.
What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage.
Who makes bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price.
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.
