The police pulled me over last night and said, “Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?”
I said, “I’ve had eight drinks, officer.”
The officer replied, “Sir, that’s no excuse to let your wife drive.”
Tone: Sarcastic
Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Irish Viagra
An Irish woman of a certain age went to see her doctor and asked if there was anything he could prescribe to help revive her husband’s love life.
“Have you tried Viagra?” the doctor asked.
“Not a hope,” she replied. “The man won’t even take a paracetamol.”
“No problem,” said the doctor. “Try what we call ‘Irish Viagra.’ Slip a tablet into his coffee. He’ll never notice it. Give it a go and ring me next week to let me know how you get on.”
Well, she didn’t even last the week before calling him back.
“Doctor!” she cried. “Faith and begorrah, it was awful! Absolutely terrible!”
“Really?” the doctor asked. “What happened?”
“Well, I did exactly what you said and dropped the tablet into his coffee. The effect was nearly instant. He leapt to his feet with a wild sparkle in his eye and his trousers bulging like a circus tent!”
The doctor said, “Good heavens.”
“Before I knew it, he swept the cups clean off the table, tore me clothes clean off me back, and took me there and then, right on the tabletop!”
“So why was it so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not good?”
“Good?” she shouted. “It was the best sex I’ve had in twenty-five years!” She paused dramatically.
“But I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”
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A Remarkable Guy
My friend Mark changed his name to something else, but now he’s thinking about changing it back.
Truly a remarkable guy.
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Schedule My Husband for Next Week
A woman goes to the dentist and asks, “How much to pull two wisdom teeth?”
The dentist says, “$100.”
She replies, “That’s too much. Can’t you do it for less?”
The dentist says, “I can do it for $50 if I skip the anesthetic.”
“Still too much,” she says. “Any cheaper?”
The dentist says, “I could let my trainee do it for $20, but she’s never pulled a tooth before and it would be quite painful.”
“Perfect,” the woman says. “Schedule my husband for next week.”
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Nothing Good to Eat Between Thanksgiving and Christmas
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line…
She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.
So the guy does it, and it comes out looking really good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it, and it comes out looking good, too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”
She says, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”
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What’s Your Husband’s Number
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche…
Astonished, my wife asked her, “How could you afford this?!”
“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.
Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”
“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister-in-law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
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The Big Ass Grill
A husband is out in the backyard with his wife, who is busy gardening.
He’s feeling a bit mischievous and says, “You know, honey, your butt is getting so big, it’s starting to look like that BBQ grill over there.”
The wife ignores him and keeps weeding. Later that night in bed, the husband starts making some romantic advances. His wife completely brushes him off and rolls over.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, surprised.
She replies, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”
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Seven Lemons for the Smirk
A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”
The priest is silent for a moment, then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that smirk off your face.”
