Tone: Sarcastic

Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Men’s English

    Men’s English

    I’m hungry = I’m hungry

    I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy

    I’m tired = I’m tired

    Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you

    Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you

    Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you

    May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you

    Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

    You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

    What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this

    What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

    What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

    I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?

    I love you = Let’s have sex now

    I love you, too = Okay, I said it, we’d better have sex now!

    Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

    Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

    Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

    Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

    (while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

    I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.

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  • If Men Rewrote The Rules

    If Men Rewrote The Rules.

    Rule # 1 – Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

    Rule # 2 – If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    Rule # 3 – If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

    Rule # 4 – It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

    Rule # 5 – Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

    Rule # 6 – Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

    Rule # 7 – You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.

    Rule # 8 – Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    Rule # 9 – Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

    Rule # 10 – Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

    Rule # 11 – When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.

    Rule # 12 – Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

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  • How To Ask A Man To Do Something

    How To Ask A Man To Do Something

    Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:

    1. Make sure the man is conscious.
    1a. Then give him a Blow Job

    2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

    3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.
    3b. Then … give him a Blow Job

    4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn’t have a peel-back cover.

    5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.

    6. Use would you or will you instead of you’d better or do as I say and no one will get hurt.

    7. When all else fails … Blow Job.

    OK, seven rules.

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  • Guide to the Male Vocabulary

    Guide to the Male Vocabulary

    1. “Haven’t I seen you before?” “Nice ass.”

    2. “I’m a Romantic.” “I’m poor.”

    3. “I need you” “My hand is oh so tired.”

    4. “I am different from all the other guys” “I am not circumcised.”

    5. “I want a commitment.” “I’m sick of masturbation.”

    6. “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about” “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

    7. “I really want to get to know you better.” “So I can tell my friends about it.”

    8. “It’s just orange juice, try it.” “3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”

    9. “She’s kinda cute.” “I want to shag her till my dick drops off.”

    10. “I don’t know if I like her” “She won’t let me shag her”

    11. “I miss you so much” “I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good.”

    12. “Was it good for you?” “I’m insecure about my manhood.”

    13. “How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?” “Is my penis really that small?”

    14. “I had a wonderful time last night.” “Who the hell are you?”

    15. “Do you love me?” “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”

    16. “Do you ‘really’ love me?” “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”

    17. “How much do you love me?” “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on his way to tell you about it now.”

    18. “I have something to tell you.” “Get tested.”

    19. “I’ll give you a call.” “I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”

    20. “I’ve been thinking a lot.” “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

    21. “I think we should just be friends.” “You’re ugly.”

    22. “I’ve learned a lot from you.” “Next!!!!”

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  • Dumb Men Jokes

    Dumb Men Jokes

    1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
    What Men Know About Women.

    2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One. . . . . men will screw anything.

    3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
    He eats beans for dinner.

    4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
    Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

    5. What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
    A half hour of begging.

    6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
    He’s breathing.

    7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
    Bonds mature.

    8. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
    They are both empty from the neck up.

    9. How can you tell if a man is happy?
    Who cares?

    10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    No one knows . . . . . . It’s never been done.

    11. How are men and parking spaces alike?
    The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.

    12. What is a man’s idea of helping you with housework?
    Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

    13. What is the difference between men and E.T.?
    E.T. called home.

    14. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
    A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

    15. Do you know why there’s a hole in a man’s penis?
    So he can get air to his brain.

    16. How do you save a man from drowning?
    Take your foot off his head.

    17. How is a man like linoleum?
    If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.

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  • Buying Gifts for Men

    Buying Gifts for Men

    Ladies: Need help Gift Shopping for the man in your life? Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

    Rule #1: When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

    Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

    Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

    Rule #4: Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

    Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

    Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I’m told they do not stink – they are earthy.

    Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)

    Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.

    Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores.) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. (“From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.”)

    Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

    Rule #11: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.

    Rule #12: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

    Rule #13: It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

    Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.

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  • Nice Pattern

    The blind date hadn’t been all that great and she was happy the night was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said, “Hey! You wanna see my underwear?”

    Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn’t wearing any.

    She glanced down and said, “Nice pattern. But does it also come in men’s sizes?”

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  • Because Im a Guy

    Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

    Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.

    Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.

    Because I’m a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu.” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.

    Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

    Because I’m a guy, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger — how the heck could HE know where we’re going?

    Because I’m a guy, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either women or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.

    Because I’m a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother’s day is ok, I don’t need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

    Because I’m a guy, I am capable of announcing, “one more beer and I really have to go,” and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What’s the connection?

    Because I’m a guy, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

    Because I’m a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

    Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

    Because I’m a guy and this is, after all, the 90’s, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.

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  • A Mans View of a Relationship

    A Man’s View of a Relationship

    1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

    2. Nothing improves with age.

    3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered again take it, because it’ll never be quite the same.

    4. Sex has no calories.

    5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

    6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

    7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

    8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

    9. Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it will last.

    10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

    11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

    12. Virginity can be cured.

    13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

    14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

    15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

    16. Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.

    17. It is always the wrong time of the month.

    18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

    19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

    20. Sex is hereditary, if your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

    21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.

    22. The younger the better.

    23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness!

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  • A Mans Answer to Every Question a Woman Ever Asks

    A Man’s Answer to Every Question a Woman Ever Asks

    1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
    It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood.

    2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
    Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

    3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
    We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

    4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
    We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

    5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
    You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

    6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
    Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.

    7. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
    Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

    8. WHY CAN’T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
    Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

    9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
    Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

    10. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SAY “I LOVE YOU”?
    Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.

    11. WHY DO MEN SAY “I LOVE YOU” WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
    Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

    12. WHY DOESN’T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
    We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

    13. WHY WON’T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
    Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you’ll pick it up.

    14. WHAT’S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
    This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

    15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
    It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err… buying?

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