Tone: Sarcastic

Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Taken the Edge Off My Appetite

    A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.

    “Bacon, eggs, perhaps some toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit and a cup of fresh coffee.”

    He declines, “It’s the Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

    At lunch time she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of homemade soup, maybe with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”

    Again he declines. “No thanks. It’s the Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

    At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a super burger. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?”

    Once more he declines, “Again, thanks, but it’s the Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

    “Well then,” she replies, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”

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  • $600 a Week and a Third Interest in the Pharmacy

    One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist.

    “I am the pharmacist,” she informed him.

    “Oh, in that case forget it,” he replied and started to leave.

    “Young man,” the lady said to him, “My sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven’t heard, so what is your problem?”

    “Well,” the young man said reluctantly, “I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won’t go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I masturbate or how many times I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?”

    “I’ll have to go in the back and talk to my sister,” she informed him. About ten minutes later she came back.

    “Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is $600 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy.”

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  • Which Feels Better Your Ear or Your Finger

    A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male/female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

    The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

    “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this — when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better — your ear or your finger?”

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  • Shes the One That Suffers Not Me

    A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”

    The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”

    The husband replies, “Well, not exactly. She’s the one that suffers, not me.”

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  • She Rolls Over and Plays Dead

    Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

    “Does your wife ever … well, you know … does she … well, let you do it doggie style?” asked one of the two.

    “Well, not exactly,” his friend replied, “She’s into the dog trick aspect of it.”

    “Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?”

    “Well… not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead.”

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  • I Still Have Mine

    Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”

    Johnny’s father replied, “Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.”

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  • Email Server Down

    Email Server Down

    SENDS COMPANY WIDE EMAIL

    INFORMING COWORKERS THAT EMAIL SERVER IS CURRENTLY DOWN.

  • Stevie Wonder Child Support

    Stevie Wonder Child Support

    You think your life is bad, Stevie Wonder paying 25K a month in child support, for some kids he ain’t NEVER SEEN..

  • 458 Days Luggage

    458 Days Luggage

    These people waited 458 days just to get their luggage. Ridiculous

    WE’VE WAITED 458 DAYS FOR THIS MOMENT

  • Hallmark Movie

    Hallmark Movie

    woman: i have a high paying job in new york city that i love and christmas isn’t that important to me

    her black friend: you need a MAN

    woman’s dad: come to the small town,, we are suffering without a baker for our town festivale

    woman: ok dad

    man: i harvest maple syrup for a living and make 2 dollars a year

    woman: :/

    man: will you harvest maple syrup with me…

    woman: i’ve decided i hate my job and i’m going to resign myself to making christmas tree ornaments in fuckberg for the rest of my life