“I’d rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth,” a woman told her dentist.
He replied, “Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair.”
Tone: unexpected
Unexpected humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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John’s Birthday At The Club
A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club on his birthday.
At the club, the doorman says, “Hi, John. How are you doing today?”
The wife asks, “How did he know your name?”
John says, “Oh! Honey, I played football with him in college.”
Inside, the bartender says, “As usual, John?”
John says to his wife, “Before you say anything, he’s on the bowling team.”
Then a stripper asks, “Hi, John. Do you want the special again?”
The wife doesn’t wait for him to give an excuse anymore. She drags him into a taxi…
Then the taxi driver says, “Hey, Johnny boy! You picked up an ugly one this time!”
John’s funeral is next week…
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Afternoon Tea With Cannibals
Two cannibal friends are sitting together over afternoon tea.
One looks across the table and asks, “Hey, I heard you and your boyfriend had a massive argument last night?”
“Oh, absolutely,” she replies. “It was dreadful.”
“So, where do things stand between you two now?”
She pauses, takes a delicate sip from her teacup, and says, “Well… right now, I’m just letting him stew.”
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My Best Friend In Bed
I came home and found my wife in bed with my best friend!
She was stroking him, and he was licking her!
I did what any red-blooded man would do under such circumstances.
I rolled up a newspaper, bopped him on the nose with it, and yelled:
“Bad dog! BAD dog!”
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The Slow Foursome on the Golf Course
A priest, a doctor, and a golfer are waiting at a tee while a painfully slow group plays ahead of them.
After watching them take forever, the golfer finally explodes:
“What is wrong with these guys?! They’re terrible!”
The caddy nearby says,
“Oh, you didn’t hear? That group is made up of firefighters who lost their sight saving people from a burning building. They play once a week.”
The priest bows his head and says,
“That’s so tragic… I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says,
“I know a specialist who might be able to help restore some vision.”
The golfer pauses, then says…
“Why can’t they just play at night?”
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The Husband Who Cried the Most
A bus full of housewives on a picnic trip tragically veered off a bridge and fell into a river. All the wives passed away…
Each husband cried for a week, except for one, who kept crying for more than two weeks!
When asked why he was so devastated, he replied miserably: “My wife missed the bus!”
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Got Here in Two
A golfer tees up his ball on the first tee, takes a mighty swing, and hits the ball into a clump of trees.
After looking for a minute, he finds the ball and sees that there’s an opening between two trees, and like every ‘weekend professional’ he’s completely confident that he can make the perfect shot!
Taking out a 3 iron, closing the club-face and his shoulder, he executes a low punch shot that comes off the face like a bullet.
The ball hits a tree, bounces straight back, hits him in the forehead and kills him instantly!
As he approaches the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asks, “Are you a good golfer?”
The man replied, “Got here in two, didn’t I?”
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The Snail at the Door
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door…
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
A year later, there’s another knock at the door.
He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, “Have I upset you?”
