Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • I bleed at the sight of someone passing out

    I’ve always been different from most people. For instance, I bleed at the sight of someone passing out.

  • Beat Up a Fifth Grader

    I don’t think I’d do very well on that TV show, “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?”

    But if they ever have a spin-off called, “Can You Beat Up a Fifth Grader?” I’ll bet I could score some nice consolation prizes.

  • My family finding that

    If I die right now, my last Google search will be “carry testicles in milk crate,” so I look forward to my family finding that.

  • The Top 17 Rejected Titles for the Fifty Shades of Grey Movie

    17. There’s Something About Tying Up and Whipping Mary

    16. Boundhog Day

    15. Prince of Tied

    14. Binding Nemo

    13. Cloudy with a Chance of Beat Balls

    12. Meet the Floggers

    11. Back Side Story

    10. The Hurt Licker

    9. L*A*S*H

    8. Rear Ender’s Game

    7. 12 Angry Men and a Coed with Daddy Issues

    6. 13 Years a Sex Slave

    5. Lock, Stock, Cuffs, Shackles, Chains, Restraints, Ball Gags and Two Smoking Barrels

    4. Blazing Paddles

    3. Thor All Over

    2. Dude, Where’s Your Fist?

    1. Whip. Lash.

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  • Pepper

    A woman is waiting in line at a grocery store. The woman in front of her keeps sneezing and letting out a loud moan after each one. Woman #1 asks her if she’s okay. Woman #2 says, “I have this condition — every time I sneeze, I have an intense orgasm.”

    Woman #1 asks if she takes anything for it…

    Woman #2 sneezes again and moans out the word, “PEPPER!”

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  • It’s Usually the Mother, Not the Father

    My wife was in labor when the nurse said it was time to push.

    She gave it everything she had until a fart, which from the sound and stench had obviously followed through, escaped.

    She was mortified.

    “Don’t worry,” I said, patting her head. “I’ve heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn’t that right, nurse?”

    “Yes,” said the nurse, gagging, “but it’s usually the mother, not the father!”

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  • Other words and phrases

    I bought a pen that can write under water…
    It can also write other words and phrases.

  • Not Much These Days

    A clown walks into a bar.

    His demeanor is awful. He asks the bartender for a shot, but says he won’t be able to pay for it.

    The bartender takes one look at him and decides he needs it.

    “Sure, buddy. You look awful. Wanna talk about it?”

    The clown downs the shot and says, “My God. Today is the worst day of my life. I’m in town for a comedy show, but my joke gopher was stolen, the show was canceled, my hotel reservation was canceled because of the show, and my bank accounts have been frozen!”

    He slumps in his seat and shakes his head.

    The bartender pours him another shot.

    “Wow, that’s a really awful day. I’m sorry, but what’s a joke gopher?”

    The clown shakes his head again.

    “Not much these days, or I wouldn’t be begging for drinks.”

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  • Rose, What Was the Name of the Restaurant?

    Two older gentlemen are chatting after dinner while their wives are in the kitchen.

    “We had a lovely meal at that new restaurant in town the other night,” said one to the other.

    “That’s nice,” said his friend. “What was the name of the restaurant?”

    “Oh, what’s the name of the lovely scented flower that grows on a thorny plant?”

    “Rose?” replied the friend.

    “That’s it.” Then, turning toward the kitchen, the gentleman called out, “Rose, what was the name of the restaurant the other night?”

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