Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Can I join you?

    A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables, and asks:

    “Can I join you?”

  • Speeding Ticket for a Stretching Job!

    The Rectum Stretcher

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    There was a middle-aged blonde lady speeding down the highway in a red sports car. She accelerated while crossing a bridge, figuring she didn’t have to worry about speed traps.

    At the end of the bridge, there was a cop hidden behind a bunch of bushes. His radar gun tagged her at 95 mph. He pulled her over, walked up to the car, and asked, “What’s the hurry?”

    She said, “I’m late to work.”

    The cop asked, “What do you do?”

    The lady responded, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”

    The cop chuckled, winked at her, and asked, “Now just what in the hell does a rectum stretcher do?”

    Without missing a beat, she took the opportunity to explain. “Our clients come into our office wanting their rectum stretched. We lube up their assholes until we can get two fingers in there, then we wiggle those fingers around and stretch it until we can get our entire hand inside.”

    The cop was in disbelief at this point and let his mouth drop open. Disgusted but intrigued, he continued to listen.

    She continued, “After we get back from lunch and the patients have had some time to rest, we put our hands back in their butthole and continue the back-and-forth stretching until we can get both hands inside. Once that’s accomplished, we proceed to stretch their rectum until it’s about six feet long!”

    The cop, disheveled and in disbelief, raised his voice and said, “COME ON, LADY! NOW JUST WHAT IN THE HELL WOULD YOU DO WITH A SIX-FOOT ASSHOLE?”

    She replied, “You give it a radar gun and stick it behind a bridge.”

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  • Desert Morale: A Hump Day Solution!

    A captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour, he noticed a very old, seedy-looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”

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    The sergeant replied, “Well, sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”

    The captain said, “Well, if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me.”

    After he had been at the fort for about six months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!”

    The sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain’s quarters. The captain got a footstool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped down from the stool, satisfied, and was buttoning his pants, he asked the sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”

    The sergeant replied, “Well, sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”

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  • 20 minutes looking for a golf ball

    “What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?”
    “I’ll spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.”

  • Overachieving Rooster’s Wild Barnyard Adventures

    A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes out and screws all 150 of the farmer’s hens.

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    The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore—he is worried.

    The next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens, but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks, and even the cow.

    Later, the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead, and vultures circling overhead.

    The farmer runs out, looks down at the young rooster’s limp body, and says, “You deserved it, you horny bastard!”

    The young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, “Shhhh! They are about to land.”

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  • Order Up: Cheeseburger or Hand Job?

    A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

    CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
    CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
    HAND JOB: $10.00

    He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.

    “Can I help you?” she asks.

    “I was wondering,” whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”

    “Yes,” she purrs. “I am.”

    The man replies, “Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.”

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  • Superhero Secrets: Backyard Revelations!

    One day, Superman and Batman were in a pub having a drink and chatting away.

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    Superman was saying how, when he is bored, he likes to “cruise around” in the sky, looking down at people in their backyards.

    Batman says, “You must have some good stories to tell about what you’ve seen folks do in their backyards…”

    Superman replies, “Funny you should say that—just the other day I was cruising around and saw Wonder Woman lying naked on her back with her legs apart.”

    “Wow,” Batman was amazed. “What did you do?”

    “Well, I started to feel really horny right there and then, so I got my dick out and swooped down onto her,” replied Superman.

    “I bet she had the shock of her life…” exclaimed Batman.

    “Not half the shock that the Invisible Man got!” replied Superman.

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  • Coma Care: The Power of a Sponge!

    A woman is in the hospital in a coma, hooked up to all the monitors. One day, while the nurse was cleaning the wife, she noticed a blip of brain activity as she washed her nether region. The nurse scrambled to grab the doctor to show him.

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    The doctor ran the sponge over again: another blip. He was a little more vigorous, and a stronger series of blips appeared, but nothing brought back consciousness.

    The doctor rushed out, called the husband, and told him to rush over to the hospital. When the husband arrived, the doctor let him know there was some brain activity and said it might be a weird request, but oral may bring his wife back.

    The husband was flabbergasted, but after being reassured no one would interrupt, he went in and shut the blinds.

    The doctors and nurses gathered around the nurses’ station when, suddenly, alarm bells started going off. The doctor and nurse ran in to help and saw the husband sitting beside her.

    Doctor: “What happened?”

    Husband: “I think she choked.”

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  • Penguin Problems: Ice Cream and Car Repairs!

    A penguin was driving her car when it started shaking and making a noise. Fortunately, she was able to make it to a mechanic before it stopped running.

    The mechanic told her it would be a couple of hours before he could get to it, so he suggested the penguin hang out at the ice cream shop across the street.

    The penguin grabbed her laptop from the car and headed across the street to check email and do some work.

    Two hours later, she went back to the shop and spoke with the mechanic. The penguin asked, “What’s the problem? Is it the transmission?”

    The mechanic responded, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

    To which the penguin responded, “Nah, that’s just a little ice cream,” as she wiped her chin.

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  • Apple Surprise: The Bartender’s Magic Trick!

    A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic. The bartender reaches under the counter and hands him an apple. The man is confused. He says, “I asked for a gin and tonic.”

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    The bartender says, “Try it. Trust me.”

    The man takes a bite and chews it, then he looks surprised.

    “Wow, this tastes just like gin!” he says.

    The bartender says, “Now turn it around.”

    The man turns the apple around and takes another bite. “Wow, this tastes like tonic!”

    A second man walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a rum and coke. The bartender reaches under the counter and hands him an apple. The second man says, “I asked for a rum and coke.”

    The bartender says, “Try it. Trust me.”

    The man takes a bite and chews it, then he looks surprised. “Wow, this tastes like rum!”

    The bartender says, “Now turn it around.”

    The man turns the apple around and takes another bite. “Wow, this tastes like coke!”

    A third man walks up to the bar and asks the bartender if he has anything special. The first man says, “This guy has magic apples that taste like anything you want!”

    The third man is intrigued. He asks the bartender, “Do you have an apple that tastes like pussy?”

    The bartender chuckles, reaches under the counter, and hands him an apple. The third man eagerly bites into the apple, chews, then spits it out. “This tastes like shit!” he says.

    The bartender says, “Turn it around.”

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