Like the famed writer Jorge Luis Borges, I imagine paradise as a kind of library. Specifically, a kind of library where you get to drink beer and have lots of sex.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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My dream job: vacation planner.
My dream job: vacation planner. Not for other people, though. That would kind of suck.
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They say diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but I would have to say they come in a
They say diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but I would have to say they come in a distant second to the right vibrator.
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Given that so many members of Lynyrd Skynyrd have died over the years, it’s surprising
Given that so many members of Lynyrd Skynyrd have died over the years, it’s surprising that none of the deaths were from suicide. After all, how many 20-minute performances of “Freebird” can a man take?
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Sometimes life just hands you lemons.
Sometimes life just hands you lemons. Other times life throws stones at your glass house, too, because life can be kind of a dick when it drinks.
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The coolest part about discovering the stripper was color-blind was being able to “make
The coolest part about discovering the stripper was color-blind was being able to “make it rain” using Monopoly money.
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Lately, I’ve come to realize that I’m ready to have children.
Lately, I’ve come to realize that I’m ready to have children. Not because I want a family, but because “stay-at-home dad” sounds so much better than “lazy, good-for-nothing, unemployed husband.”
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man may be king, but the blind guy with the
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man may be king, but the blind guy with the 12-inch weiner is still more popular at parties.
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Whenever people say “If you’re going to move to a new country, learn the language!”
Whenever people say “If you’re going to move to a new country, learn the language!” I just stay quiet. I would say something, but I don’t know the Cherokee word for “irony.”
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I hate to see my teenaged daughter so crazy about the hot guy in her school, throwing
I hate to see my teenaged daughter so crazy about the hot guy in her school, throwing herself at him and making a point of being around him as much as possible and over-flirting in the hope that it’ll make him like her more. Guys can smell that desperation and will run in the opposite direction. Besides, *I* want him.
