Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The KGB Rabbit

    The CIA, MI6, and KGB decide to have a competition to decide once and for all who are the best intelligence agency.

    They meet on an island in the Pacific and release a rabbit into the forest, and then one by one each of them has to see how long it takes them to catch it.

    The CIA goes into the forest first. They place the most sensitive listening equipment every few dozen meters. They scan the forest with satellites and analyze the images with AI. They pay the birds and mice to be informants. After four weeks, they write a report saying the rabbit does not exist and has never existed.

    The MI6 team goes into the forest. After a couple days with no leads they make a pot of tea and argue about cricket for a week, and then return and declare the rabbit must have escaped to another island.

    The KGB goes into the forest. Two hours later they return with a bear covered with bruises and two black eyes saying: “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, my family are all rabbits, and everyone I know is a rabbit!”

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  • IRS Agent Gets Robbed of His Own Money

    A man is walking on the sidewalk at night when suddenly he’s attacked by a mugger.

    Mugger: “Give me all of your money!”

    Man: “Do you know who I am?! I work for the IRS!”

    Mugger: “Oh? Well in that case, give me all of MY money!”

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  • Daddy Longlegs Stomps Out Gay Spiders

    A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

    “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

    “They’re mating,” her father replied.

    “What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

    “That’s a daddy longlegs,” her father answered.

    “So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.

    “No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”

    The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

    “Well, we’re not having THAT sort of thing in OUR garden!”

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  • Who the Hell is Bob?

    There once was a service man who toured the Middle East and married a beautiful little China doll. He brought her back to the states and they were very happy. He always enjoyed looking at her rear end and telling her what a beautiful butt she had.

    Every day it was, “Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have.”

    Every night it was, “Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have.”

    Well his birthday was getting close and she wanted to surprise him with a tattoo on her rear end that said, “Beautiful Butt.” So she finds a reputable tattoo artist and explains what she wants. Well the artist asks her to turn around and after a brief pause says, “There is no way I can get ‘Beautiful Butt’ on your tiny little beautiful butt. But I can put a nice ‘B’ on each cheek which will stand for ‘Beautiful Butt.’”

    A bit disappointed, she agrees and leaves with her B’s. Well the big day arrives and after a candle light dinner, gifts, and a sip of brandy, she appears in the bedroom in her birthday suit, turns around and bends over.

    Quickly sitting up he exclaims, “Darling I love you, but who the hell is Bob?”

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  • Swedish Massage With a Twist

    A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.

    A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.

    “You wanna wank?”, she asked.

    “You bet,” came the excited reply.

    “O.K.,” she said, “I come back in ten minutes.”

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  • 500 Votes Per Boob Electoral College

    Well, another election in my household has passed and the results are in: The Sex-Every-Sunday Referendum was defeated soundly, 1000-1. I knew agreeing to the 500-vote-per-boob Electoral College would come back to haunt me.

  • Quickies: Crude Jokes for Adults Only

    Quickies

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
    A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

    Q: What’s the difference between sin and shame?
    A: It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.

    Q: What’s the speed limit of sex?
    A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

    Q: What’s the ultimate rejection?
    A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

    Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
    A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face, and moaning, “Lie to me!”

    Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
    A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

    Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
    A: K9P.

    Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
    A: “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”

    Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
    A: If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.

    Q: What’s another name for pickled bread?
    A: Dill-dough

    Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
    A: He heard the snowblower coming.

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  • Tonto Kowalski, Nice to Meet You

    A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

    He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”

    He coolly replies, “Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you.”

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  • Chocolate Wins: Eight Delicious Reasons Why

    Reasons why Chocolate is Better than Sex

    1. You can GET chocolate

    2. “If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate

    3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft

    4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving

    5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to

    6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother

    7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind

    8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names

    9. The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate

    10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting coworkers

    11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped

    12. You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate

    13. With chocolate there’s no need to fake it

    14. Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant

    15. You can have chocolate any time of month

    16. Good chocolate is easy to find

    17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle

    18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate

    19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake

    20. With chocolate size doesn’t matter.

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  • The Clapper and the Mime

    Does the Clapper still turn the lights on if a mime is doing the clapping?