Topic: family

Family jokes, awkward relatives, domestic chaos, and bloodline-based nonsense from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • When you lose your son to heroin

    When you lose your son to heroin

    When you lose your son to heroin ,but you’re kinda glad that you no longer have to eat cereal with a fork

  • My grandpa used to brag that he can hold his breath for 5 minutes

    My grandpa used to brag that he can hold his breath for 5 minutes

    My grandpa used to brag that he can hold his breath for 5 minutes,

    It’s been 2 hours, He’s the real deal.

  • Overnight at the Grandkids

    Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their grandkids overnight.

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    When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his grandson’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

    The grandson said, “I don’t think you should take one. They’re very strong and very expensive.”

    “How much?” asked Grandpa.

    “$20 a pill,” he replied.

    “I don’t care,” said Grandpa. “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.”

    The next morning, the grandson found $120 under his pillow.

    He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was $20, not $120.”

    “I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma!”

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  • Walking Her to the Front Door

    A guy walks his girlfriend to her front door after a date. He leans lazily against the house.

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    “So?” he says.

    “So?” she replies.

    “So, how about a blowjob?”

    “Are you crazy? My parents might see us!”

    “Come on, who’s going to see us at this hour? I’ll return the favour.”

    “Can you imagine if we got caught? Oh my god, what my father would do to you.”

    “There’s no one around. They’re all asleep.”

    “No way, it’s far too risky.”

    “But I love you so much.”

    A light comes on and the front door opens. The girl’s sister appears in her night clothes. She says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if needs be, he’ll do it himself. But for god’s sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom.”

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  • Grandpa Lived to a Hundred

    An annoyed lady approaches Little Johnny after watching him eat a bag of candy for some time.

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    “You know little boy, eating that much candy isn’t good for you!”

    “Oh yeah, well my grandpa lived to be a hundred.”

    “Oh really? But did he eat a lot of candy?”

    “No, but he minded his own fucking business!”

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  • Little Johnny Vocabulary Check

    An older neighbor runs into Little Johnny as he’s coming home from school

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    “How are you, Johnny?”

    “Fine.”

    “And how is school?”

    “Fine.”

    “And how are your parents doing?”

    “Fine.”

    “Tell me, do you have any other words in your vocabulary besides ‘Fine’?”

    “Dad said I’m not allowed to say ‘Fuck Off’ yet.”

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  • We’ll See

    My daughter and I are getting glasses today. And after that? We’ll see.

  • Teaching Democracy

    Last night, I taught my kids about democracy by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.

    Then I picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

  • The Only Food That Can Make You Cry

    My cousin was going on and on about how an onion is the only food that can make you cry without eating it. So I hit him in the face with a coconut.

  • The Weekend Hunter and the Swollen Eye

    A man leaves for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home afterward, he spends the entire weekend hunting with his buddies and blows his whole paycheck.

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    When he finally gets home Sunday night, his wife is furious. She spends the next two hours giving him an earful.

    Finally, she asks, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

    He replies, “That’d be fine with me.”

    Monday comes and goes, and he doesn’t see his wife.

    Tuesday and Wednesday pass with the same result.

    By Thursday, the swelling has gone down just enough for him to see her out of the corner of his left eye.

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