Family jokes, awkward relatives, domestic chaos, and bloodline-based nonsense from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
A young couple decided to wed but, as the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
Long
Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
“Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.”
His father replied, “Do you love this girl?”
“Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.”
“No problem,” said his father, “All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.
“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”
“Honey,” her mother consoled, “Everyone has bad breath in the morning.”
“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”
Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”
“I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.
“Not a word,” her mother affirmed.
“Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?”
“Oh no!” he replied, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”
Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says, “God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma, and… goodbye Grandpa.”
He asks her, “Why did you say that?”
“I don’t know, I just felt like saying it.”
The next day, Grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks Dad, that’s an odd coincidence.
A month later, at bedtime, the daughter says, “God bless Mommy and Daddy. And goodbye Grandma.”
Sure enough, the next day Grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
Dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he isn’t sure what to do. He doesn’t want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and Grandpa were her parents).
Months go by, and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime.
“God bless Mommy…” she turns her head and looks straight at him, “…and goodbye Daddy.”
“What?! Are you sure, honey?”
She nods.
The man’s heart begins racing, and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can’t sleep at all that night.
The next day, he goes off to work but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings, and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally, it is midnight, and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death.
He drives home, drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him.
“Where the hell were you today?!”
He replies, “Don’t shout, I’ve had an absolutely miserable day.”
His wife then says, “You had a miserable day? I’m the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps…”
A woman is walking home with her 3 daughters.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, “Mummy, how did I get my name?”
“Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that’s why we named you Rose.”
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
“Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that’s why we named you Lily.”
The third girl asks “HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!”
“Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock.”
An elderly Jewish man is walking down the street when he sudden slips and falls.
People rush to help him, with one passer by rolling up his own coat to cradle the elderly Jewish man’s head.
“Sir,” the man says. “We’re calling an ambulance. Are you comfortable?”
The elderly Jewish man gives a weak shrug and says: “Eh. I make a living.”
One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father and said: “Dad, am I 100 percent polar bear?”
“Of course, son” replied the father. “you are 100 percent polar bear”
A few minutes later the cub turned to his father again and said: “Dad, tell me the truth, I can take it. Am I 100 percent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?”
The father put a loving paw on the son’s head. “Son,” he said “I am 100 percent polar bear, your mother is 100 percent polar bear, so you are definitely 100 percent polar bear.”
The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father and once more said: “Look, Dad, I don’t want you saying this just to spare my feelings. I have to know: am I 100 percent polar bear?”
By now the father is becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: “Why do you keep asking if you are 100 percent polar bear?”
The cub replied: “Because I’m freezing!!!”
Little Johnny’s mom sits him down before they go visit their neighbor who just had a baby boy.
“Listen to me very carefully,” she says. “The poor baby was born without a chin because of a rare genetic condition. His mother is extremely sensitive about it. If you make even the tiniest comment about his chin, you are grounded for a whole month. Got it?”
Johnny nods obediently.
They arrive, chat for a while, and then Johnny turns to the new mom with a sweet smile and asks:
“When your son grows up, will he move out of the house one day?”
“Yes, of course, hopefully when he goes to college.”
“Will he wash his own bedsheets?”
“Well, who else is going to wash them? Yes.”
“And will he iron them too?”
“Yes, he’ll iron them.”
“And put them away in the closet?”
“Obviously, where else would they go?”
“So, how is he going to fold them?”
