Topic: family

Family jokes, awkward relatives, domestic chaos, and bloodline-based nonsense from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • Worms, Wagers, and Wily Whippersnappers!

    A boy and his grandfather were digging in the backyard when the grandfather pulled a long earthworm out of the dirt.

    The boy says, “Hey, Grandpa. I bet you five bucks I can put that worm right back in the ground.”

    “No way that’s possible,” says the grandfather. “You’re on.”

    The kid goes inside, gets a can of hairspray, and sprays the length of the earthworm, which goes completely stiff. He takes it between his fingers and slides the worm right back into its burrow.

    The grandfather shakes his head and, with an “I’ll be damned,” hands the kid a five-dollar bill and heads inside.

    After a while, he comes back out to the yard and hands the kid a five-dollar bill.

    “Grandpa,” the kid says, “you already paid me.”

    “I know,” the grandfather replies. “That’s from Grandma.”

  • Grateful Skin: A Love Story!

    A man’s face is badly burned in a fire.

    The doctors decide he needs a skin graft to restore his face, but he is so thin that he has no excess skin of his own for the operation. So they use skin from his wife’s bottom.

    The operation is a complete success. His face looks like it did before the fire.

    Several months go by, and the man is still thanking his wife profusely for the sacrifice she made.

    Finally, she says to him, “You don’t have to keep thanking me. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

  • Knitting and Vitamins: Baby’s Best Starts!

    So there are these three pregnant women in the OB-GYN’s waiting room: a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde, all knitting baby sweaters.

    So they knit and they knit and they knit. Then the redhead pops a pill. The other two gasp.

    “It’s OK,” the redhead says. “This is just calcium. I want my baby to have strong bones.”

    So they knit and they knit and they knit. Then the brunette pops a pill. The other two gasp.

    “It’s OK,” the brunette says. “This is just vitamin C. I want my baby to have a strong immune system.”

    So they knit and they knit and they knit. Then the blonde pops a pill. The other two gasp.

    “It’s OK,” the blonde says. “This is just thalidomide. I can’t get the arms on this sweater right.”

  • Curious Minds in the Park

    A boy and his father are walking in the park.

    The boy sees a male dog mounting a female dog. He asks his dad, “Dad, what are they doing?”

    Dad thinks for a second and says, “Well, son, they’re making a puppy.”

    This satisfies the boy’s curiosity, and they finish their walk.

    Later that night, the boy gets up for a drink of water. He passes his parents’ room, and they’ve carelessly left the door ajar. They’re face-to-face in the throes of passion.

    The little boy asks, “Dad, what are you and Mommy doing?”

    The startled dad hesitates for a second, looks up, and says, “Well, son, we’re making you a baby brother.”

    And the kid says, “Well then, can you turn Mommy over? I’d rather have a puppy.”

  • Family Secrets at the Strip Club!

    A boy came home one afternoon and informed his mom that he had gone into the strip club.

    This made his mom angry. She asked her son, “Well, did you see anything that you weren’t supposed to see?”

    The boy replied, “Yes, I saw Dad!”