I just got one of those crazy 5-blade razors. The first blade lifts the hair. The second one cuts the hair. The third blade cuts it again! The fourth blade is a sneaky bastard who waits for the hair to relax and then cuts it again! Then the fifth blade goes to the hair’s house and beats the crap out of its mother.
Topic: family
Family jokes, awkward relatives, domestic chaos, and bloodline-based nonsense from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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I’m not a religious man.
I’m not a religious man. I have no desire to be born again. Even if I wanted to, I seriously doubt I could ever convince my mom to try it.
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I don’t know the right response for when my wife shows me her new hairdo, but so far
I don’t know the right response for when my wife shows me her new hairdo, but so far I’ve ruled out “What on earth happened?” and “Is it windy out?”
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My wife and I want to have a baby.
My wife and I want to have a baby. Well, my wife wants to have a baby; I just want to have sex.
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It seems odd that Charlie Brown’s parents never noticed that their 8-year-old son was
It seems odd that Charlie Brown’s parents never noticed that their 8-year-old son was suffering from severe clinical depression. I guess they had their own problems, what with those speech impediments and all.
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Humor tip: Exasperatedly muttering to your wife, “Time to make the doughnuts,” as you
Humor tip: Exasperatedly muttering to your wife, “Time to make the doughnuts,” as you get out of bed in the morning? Funny. Doing the same when she asks you for sex? Not so much.
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One day a neighbor kid named Billy and I spent a whole afternoon and well into the night
One day a neighbor kid named Billy and I spent a whole afternoon and well into the night digging a hole in the back yard with a spoon and a little plastic beach pail. We were going to find buried treasure or dig all the way to China — who knows? The important thing was that it took our minds off of what a great time our more popular classmates were probably having that night at the senior prom.
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Once when I was a kid, I almost choked to death on a sticky-pop.
Once when I was a kid, I almost choked to death on a sticky-pop. Fortunately, my grandfather had the good sense to tell me to stop lollygagging.
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The problem with having Facebook friends who run a goat farm is they’re always posting
The problem with having Facebook friends who run a goat farm is they’re always posting pictures of their kids.
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When my kid does something wrong, I ground him.
When my kid does something wrong, I ground him. But the real punishment comes when I connect him to the positive and negative wires.
