They say self-delusion is when you suck in your stomach as you step on the scale. But how *else* are you supposed to see the numbers???
Topic: humor
Humor jokes, memes, dark humor, awkward moments, and weird little disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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It’s a shame they don’t let you take dogs to the zoo, because that would be the greatest
It’s a shame they don’t let you take dogs to the zoo, because that would be the greatest day EVER for them. They could smell hundreds of different new kinds of poop, and bark at animals from all seven continents. Why do they block dogs from experiencing such insane joy??
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If the ’70s song “Wildfire” makes you all weepy when you hear it on the radio, just do
If the ’70s song “Wildfire” makes you all weepy when you hear it on the radio, just do what I do: Sing along, but change the horse’s name to “Numbnuts.”
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Sometimes elderly relatives need a little pick-me-up.
Sometimes elderly relatives need a little pick-me-up. And now, after a little clever programming of their caller I.D. devices, I find nothing taxes that pacemaker like an occasional call from the Grim Reaper.
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If your heart tells you one thing and your head another, give the deciding vote to your
If your heart tells you one thing and your head another, give the deciding vote to your ass.
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I may be over-reacting to this whole Anthrax thing, but this morning, my donuts were
I may be over-reacting to this whole Anthrax thing, but this morning, my donuts were covered with a suspicious white powder.
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I wonder if Jim Croce’s widow occasionally loses it when she can’t find the rosemary
I wonder if Jim Croce’s widow occasionally loses it when she can’t find the rosemary among all those frickin’ bottles of thyme.
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I cried because I had no shoes, until I met my buddy with some exceptionally strong weed.
I cried because I had no shoes, until I met my buddy with some exceptionally strong weed. After doing bong hits for an hour, I couldn’t remember what the hell I was crying about in the first place. Still can’t find my damn shoes, though.
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If life gives you lemons, make a delicious lemonade.
If life gives you lemons, make a delicious lemonade. If life gives you a tennis bracelet, though, you know life is trying to make up for hitting on your co-workers at the office party.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach him to fish instead of hooking him with the first of 14 volumes of your DVD series “How to Catch Fi$h and Make Millions!!” and you just gave away a nice revenue stream, Dinkwad.
