Topic: marriage

Marriage jokes, spouse memes, domestic negotiations, romantic regrets, and legally binding punchlines for people who said “I do” and then kept receipts.

  • My Wife Likes Me

    My Wife Likes Me

    LADE HERSELF @ThebigLade

    Men truly don’t realize when a woman has a crush on them, do they??

    SilverFox @dantwodaughters · 3h

    I don’t even know if my wife likes me.

  • She loves me… She loves me not… She loves me… She loves me

    She loves me… She loves me not… She loves me… She loves me not… Hell, as long as she keeps putting out and doesn’t divorce me, what fucking difference does it make?!

  • I greeted my husband at the door wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.

    I greeted my husband at the door wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. But the other bitchy

  • After 10 years of marriage, my wife and I have a comfortable

    After 10 years of marriage, my wife and I have a comfortable routine: I get sex after she goes on a shopping bender, then waits till I cum before informing me how much she spent.

  • My wife claims I’m callous and unsupportive. Apparently she

    My wife claims I’m callous and unsupportive. Apparently she missed the chapter in “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” where the Martian phrase “I’m ready to listen” translates roughly, to, “What the fuck crawled up your butt?”

  • 45 Cents

    45 Cents

    A daughter calls her mother & says “I’m divorcing Nathan. All he wants is 6ex, 6ex and more 6ex. My v@gina is now the size of a 50-cent piece, when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece.”

    Her mother says: “You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman! You live in an 8-bedroom mansion! You drive a $250,000 Ferrari! You get $2,000 a week allowance! You take 6 vacations a year! … and, You want to throw all that away over 45 cents?”

  • It Must Have Gotten Married

    It Must Have Gotten Married

    Her: That thing is broken, it has stopped sucking.

    Him: It must have gotten married.

  • The Thanksgiving Turkey Guts

    A husband and wife married for many years — every morning the husband wakes up and lets out a thunderous fart, then cackles. One day she glares at him and says, “You know, one of these days you’re going to shit your guts out.” He shrugs it off and they go about life.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Come around to Thanksgiving, the wife is downstairs prepping a turkey for dinner, husband is sleeping upstairs in bed. As she pulls the turkey’s guts out, she gets a clever idea, and sneaks upstairs holding a small handful of the turkey’s guts. She tucks them into her husband’s underwear.

    She goes back downstairs and continues to cook. A short while later, the husband wakes up. She hears his usual morning fart, his cackle, then dead silence.

    A few minutes later the husband comes down the stairs. He is pale, shaking a little, and looks like a deer in the headlights.

    “Is everything okay, dear?” she asks without missing a beat.

    “Well, yea,” the husband says. “But you were right, I did shit my guts out. But with these two fingers and a little determination, I got them back up in there.”

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  • The Rabbi’s Advice

    A guy goes to his rabbi to ask his advice.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “Rabbi, I have a court case next week. What should I wear? Should I wear shabby clothes and hope the judge has pity on me, or should I wear my best suit, give some money to the judge and say, ‘You look after me and I’ll look after you’?”

    “Well, my son. You remember how my daughter got married only last week? So, the night before, she came to me with a question: ‘What should I wear that night? The short, see-through negligee my sister gave me, or the long thick nightie mother gave me?’”

    “And the answer I gave her is the answer I give you: It doesn’t matter what you wear — you’re going to get fucked.”

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  • Turn Over

    So a girl is going to marry a Greek fellow. The night before the wedding, the girl’s dad takes her aside and says, “Honey, I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just say it. If he ever asks you to turn over, you don’t have to.”

    So they get married. Sure enough, about six months later, the Greek guy asks the girl to turn over.

    “You know,” she says, “my dad told me I don’t have to turn over if I don’t want to.”

    “Whatsa matter?” says the Greek guy. “Don’t you wanna have kids?”

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