Topic: marriage

Marriage jokes, spouse memes, domestic negotiations, romantic regrets, and legally binding punchlines for people who said “I do” and then kept receipts.

  • The Fairy and the 30th Anniversary Wish

    A husband and wife were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at a fancy restaurant.

    Suddenly, a tiny fairy appeared on their table.

    “Because you’ve been such a loving couple for 30 years,” she said, “I will grant each of you one wish.”

    The wife went first.

    “I wish for a romantic, all-expenses-paid cruise around the world with my wonderful husband.”

    Poof!

    Two first-class cruise tickets appeared in her hand.

    Then it was the husband’s turn.

    He thought for a moment, looked at his wife, and said,

    “This is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only comes once in a lifetime. I’m sorry, dear, but I wish for a wife who is 30 years younger than me.”

    The wife was furious, but a wish is a wish.

    The fairy waved her wand.

    Poof!

    Instantly, the husband turned 90 years old.

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  • The Easy One

    A prostitute says to a guy, “Hey baby, looking for a good time?” The guy asks, “How much?” She says, “$500.” He agrees.

    They go back to a hotel room, where he immediately heads for the bathroom.

    After waiting for a few minutes she goes to check on him, and finds him furiously jerking off.

    “What the hell are you doing?” she asks. “Don’t you want to have sex?”

    And the guy says, “For $500, do you think I’m gonna let you get the easy one?”

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  • Mistress Hooker and Wife

    What’s the difference between a mistress, a hooker, and a wife?

    The mistress says, “Oh honey! More! Deeper!”

    The hooker says, “Come on! Faster! Time to go!”

    The wife says, “Beige! Beige! I’m going to paint the ceiling beige!”

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  • Reliving Our First Date

    I suggested to my wife that we go to the bar separately to relive our first date.

    So I walked over to her and asked, “Hi, can I buy you a drink?”

    She said, “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again!”

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  • The 30th Anniversary Dinner

    A husband and wife are celebrating their 30th anniversary at a quiet romantic restaurant when a beautiful young woman walks up to their table, kisses the husband deeply on the lips, and says, “See you tomorrow, babe,” before strolling out.

    The wife is absolutely furious. She slams her glass down and screams, “Who the fuck was that?!”

    The husband calmly takes a sip of his wine and says, “Relax, honey. That’s my mistress.”

    “Mistress?!” the wife shrieks. “That is it! I want a divorce, I’m taking the house, the kids, and half of everything you own!”

    The husband shrugs. “Fine, if that’s what you want. But remember, if we divorce, that means no more shopping trips to Paris, no more summer villa in Tuscany, no more Infiniti in the driveway, and no more country club membership. The choice is yours.”

    Just then, they look across the restaurant and see a mutual friend of theirs sitting with a stunning brunette.

    The wife narrows her eyes and asks, “Isn’t that Richard over there? Who is he with?”

    The husband nods. “Oh, that’s his mistress.”

    The wife takes a long sip of her champagne, looks back at her husband, and says, “Well… I must say, ours is much prettier.”

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  • The Ex-Wife Tom Never Had

    After a long courtship, Tom finally marries his longtime girlfriend. One day after the honeymoon, Tom is in the garage cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

    His wife comes out, watches Tom work for a few minutes, and says, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.”

    Tom gets this absolutely horrified look on his face, and his wife says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

    Tom says, “I’m sorry. For a second there, you sounded exactly like my ex-wife.”

    “Ex-wife!” she screams. “You never told me you were married before!”

    And Tom says, “I wasn’t.”

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  • Next Door Neighbor

    My next-door neighbor came over wearing a see-through negligee. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar.

    Then winked at me and asked to come in for some hot coffee.

    I said, “Fuck off, Dave.”

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  • Three Men Shopping for Christmas Presents

    Three men in the city shopping for wives’ Christmas presents.

    They agree on two presents each and to meet in the bar after a couple of hours so they can compare their haul. Later in the bar they get their gifts out…

    First man: “I got my wife a necklace and a scarf, so if she doesn’t like the necklace, she can wear the scarf over it.”

    Second man: “I got my wife a wrist watch and some long gloves, so if she doesn’t like the watch she can pull a glove over it.”

    Third man: “I got my wife some perfume and a dildo, so if she doesn’t like the perfume she can go fuck herself.”

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  • Muggy Out Today Sips Coffee From Bowl

    Muggy Out Today Sips Coffee From Bowl

    ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
    WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
    ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

  • The Deaf Mute Parents

    A young man, out on the tiles with his mates, spies the girl of his dreams across a dance floor. Having admired her from afar, he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

    Saturday night, the young man arrives at her house with a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates. To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. “I’m sorry,” she exclaims, “I’m running a bit late. Please come in and I’ll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish dressing. I should warn you though, they are both deaf mutes.” With this, she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.

    As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching football on TV and Mum is busy knitting.

    After about 10 minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her backside. Just as sudden, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

    The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster. The young man is totally pre-occupied by the antics of the young lady’s parents.

    At the end of the date, sensing something is seriously wrong, the young lady asks the young guy, “What’s the matter? What have I done wrong?”

    “No, it’s not you,” he replied, “It’s just that the strangest thing happened whilst I was waiting for you and I’m still shocked. Well, first your mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back and places a match stick by his eye.”

    “Oh, is that all?” replies the girl.

    The man can’t believe her casual response.

    “Mum was simply saying, ‘Are you going to get this asshole a drink?’ And Dad was replying, ‘No, fuck him, I’m watching the match.’”

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