Me: wanna fuck? 👀
Her: Why do u have to say it like that? Its supposed to be a magical moment
Me: Alakazam let me slam
Topic: relationships
Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.
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Four Inches Is A Lot
Crush: I just cut off four inches of my hair
Me: so
Crush: four inches is a lot
Me:
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Spice Things Up Bedroom
I want to spice things up.
But you know that I’m allergic to chilli.
I mean in the bedroom.
I can’t eat them anywhere in the house, Alice.
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Who the Hell is Bob?
There once was a service man who toured the Middle East and married a beautiful little China doll. He brought her back to the states and they were very happy. He always enjoyed looking at her rear end and telling her what a beautiful butt she had.
Every day it was, “Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have.”
Every night it was, “Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have.”
Well his birthday was getting close and she wanted to surprise him with a tattoo on her rear end that said, “Beautiful Butt.” So she finds a reputable tattoo artist and explains what she wants. Well the artist asks her to turn around and after a brief pause says, “There is no way I can get ‘Beautiful Butt’ on your tiny little beautiful butt. But I can put a nice ‘B’ on each cheek which will stand for ‘Beautiful Butt.’”
A bit disappointed, she agrees and leaves with her B’s. Well the big day arrives and after a candle light dinner, gifts, and a sip of brandy, she appears in the bedroom in her birthday suit, turns around and bends over.
Quickly sitting up he exclaims, “Darling I love you, but who the hell is Bob?”
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Tonto Kowalski, Nice to Meet You
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”
He coolly replies, “Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you.”
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Clitty Bruiser Deluxe
DIFSEL
CLITTY-BRUISER DELUXE 5000-D 10 H.P. MODEL
“It’s nothing numb nuts… go back to sleep”
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Chocolate Wins: Eight Delicious Reasons Why
Reasons why Chocolate is Better than Sex
1. You can GET chocolate
2. “If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names
9. The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting coworkers
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped
12. You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate
13. With chocolate there’s no need to fake it
14. Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant
15. You can have chocolate any time of month
16. Good chocolate is easy to find
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake
20. With chocolate size doesn’t matter.
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Love Blooms in Workplace Jealousy
“Darling,” murmured the girl to her boyfriend, “when did you first realize that you were in love with me?”
“Well, I suppose…” whispered the man tenderly, “it was when I started getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a lousy lay.”
