If you really love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, chain it to a pipe in the basement, because you don’t want to take a chance like that twice.
Topic: relationships
Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.
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Dirty Medical Humor: Adult Jokes Collection
Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It’s what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
A: A spreader of old wives’ tails…Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands!Q: What do you call a female midget who’s nice and gives head?
A: Short, sweet, and to the point!Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
A: An armadildo.Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can’t?
A: Come in eight flavors.Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
A: “Ward, weren’t you a little hard on the Beaver last night?”Q: Do you know why it’s called sex?
A: Because it’s easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh…Ahhhhhh….AIIEEEEEEE!!!Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
A: Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
A: 8 hours, 59 minutes – who cares what she wants!Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes!Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: In case you miss. -
Fresh Liver Fixes Everything Until It Ends Up in the Sink
It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually large vagina and therefore has been unable to sustain any sort of long-term relationships because even the most well endowed men soon lose interest because of her inability to satisfy them sexually.
So when a guy from the office whom she really liked asked her out, she decided to take desperate measures. On the way home she stops at the butcher and buys a kilo of fresh liver. She gets ready for her big date and slides that kilo of liver into her box, hoping that it will take up some of the slack, just in case the evening should turn out to be romantic.
Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails, have the BEST time, and sure enough, end up back at her place, have some great sex and fall asleep in each other’s arms.
Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She sighs and thinks, “Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I guess I’m doomed to end up an old maid.”
She goes downstairs to make coffee and finds a note on the kitchen table…..
“Dear Annie,
Thank you so much for last night! I had a really GREAT time, and I think you are WONDERFUL!
Sorry I had to leave so early, but I’ll call you later and I hope we can get together again REAL SOON!
Love You,
Bill(P.S. Your cunt’s in the sink)”
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Nice AND Has All His Teeth
My single friends kept asking me to “fix them up with a nice guy,” but afterwards all they did was complain bitterly. I figure it’s their own fault: If what they really meant was “nice AND has all his teeth,” then they should have said so.
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Beach Woman’s Unexpected Question Ruins Everything
Three guys are walking down the beach when they see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach. Well the first guy goes over to her and starts making love to her, when she says “What will we name the child?”
Well the guy freaks and runs away.
So the second guy goes over to her and starts doing his thing when she says “What will we name the child?”
He freaks out also and runs away.
The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a rubber and goes to do his thing. When she says “What will we name the child?”
He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going. Finally he finishes and pulls off the rubber, ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean.
He turns to the girl and says “If he gets out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.”
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Miracle Pill Transforms Bedroom Performance Overnight
A woman walks into her sex therapist’s office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn’t know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn’t know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn’t know; it’s an experimental drug and she doesn’t know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist’s office and puts the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband’s morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapist’s office and says: “Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?”
“Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?”
“Well, mom’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad’s sittin’ in the corner going ‘Here, kitty, kitty, kitty…’”
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Island Duty Roster Beats Romantic Getaway
A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”
They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”
Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!”
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!”
They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.”
