Topic: relationships

Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.

  • Quiz Show Victory Cut Short by Time

    Jane was a first time contestant on the $465,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question.

    Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. “I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.”

    “Relax, honey,” her husband, Bubba, reassured her, “It will all be OK.”

    Ten minutes after they arrived home, Bubba grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

    “Where are you going?” Jane asked.

    “I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon.” He replied.

    Jane waited impatiently for Bubba’s return. After an agonising 3 hour absence, Bubba returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.

    “Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”

    “What is it?” she cried excitedly.

    “OK. The question is ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’ And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’”

    Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Bubba, who was asking her the quiz show question.

    “The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

    And Bubba asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days’ events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

    “Jane, for $465,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.”

    “Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously.

    “Very good. Six seconds.”

    “Eh, uh, the heart?”

    “Very good! Four seconds.”

    “I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…”

    “That’s close enough,” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!”

  • Fuckface

    Fuckface

    I named him after my ex-boyfriend…

    FUCKFACE!

  • John’s Noisy Bedsprings Keep Fred Awake Nightly

    It happened that when Fred and John went to College they got rooms in different levels of the building but right on top of each other. John’s room was above Fred’s room and John was always good with the woman.

    Every night since school started Fred would hear up above his room, “Claclopp! Claclopp!! Calaclopp!!!, Spring! Zippp! Ahhhaaaa!”

    It went on every night:…”Claclopp! Claclopp!! Calaclopp!!!, Spring! Zipp! Ahhhaaa!”

    Now Fred wasn’t a snoop and normally didn’t interfere on John’s love life or even ask of what went on every night. But one night it was different. Instead of the strange “Claclopp! Claclopp!!, Spring! Zippp! Ahhhaaaa!” He heard “Claclopp! Claclopp!!, Spring! Zippp! YEEeeOOWWWwwwwwweeeeeee!!!”.

    Fred was confused by this….not to mention scared out of his mind by the scream. So he took a step at getting intimate with his friend John. “Hey John,” he said that morning. “I really hate to pry but every night I hear this ‘Claclopp, Claclopp, Calaclopp, spring, zip, Ahhaaa. But last night I was frightened by a ‘Claclopp!!, Claclopp!!, Calaclopp!!!, Spring, Zippp, YEEeeOOWWWwwwwwweeeeeee!!!’ Do you mind explaining this?”

    “Well,” said John. “The Claclopp!, Claclopp!!, Claclopp!! was me running towards the bed. The Spring!! was me leaping in the air. The Zippp! was me zipping down my pants in mid air. And the AAhhhaaaa!! Was me settling my manhood in my girlfriend.”

    “So what was last night?” Fred asked.

    “Well,” he hesitated. “The Claclopp!, Claclopp!!, Claclopp!!! was me running. The Spring! was me leaping in the air. The Zippp was me gracefully zipping my pants down in the air. And the YEEeeOOWWWwwwwweeeeee!!!! was me landing my nuts on the bedpost.”

  • Where Did You Learn That

    Where Did You Learn That

    HER: OMG where did you learn how to do that?

    ME: (wishbone pulling)

  • Wife Interrupts Husband’s Porn Search for Curtains

    A husband, his wife asleep, goes to the computer in the living room, opens the browser and starts looking through some porn pics.

    He’s looking, looking, suddenly he hears behind him:

    “Wait wait wait! Scroll up! Again! One more!.. Yes! These are the curtains I want for the kitchen!”

  • Hol Up Threesome

    Hol Up Threesome

    When your girl says yes to a 3 some and you get in the room and there’s 2 niggas and shes holdin a camera

    Hol up.

  • Why Flirt When Theres Life Alert

    Why Flirt When Theres Life Alert

    why flirt?

    when there’s life alert?

    you gotta stop doing this Edna

    hey there big bay

  • I Miss Her So Much Bro

    I Miss Her So Much Bro

    The heart wants what the nose remembers.

  • Sex I Can’t Tell Anyone About

    My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!” I groaned, “No…”

    “Sex that I can’t tell anyone about.”

  • Butterface

    Joey was hanging in a bar, and his friends asked him if he’d scored lately.

    “Man, I picked up this chick the other night and had the best sex ever,” Joey told them. “The only problem was, she was a total butterface.”

    His friends asked him, “What the hell is a butterface?”

    Joey answered, “Everything about her was hot, but her face.”