Topic: relationships

Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.

  • The Handy Guide to Self-Love Benefits

    Masturbation …a handy subject with many advantages.

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    1. you don’t have to look your best

    2. you never have to say “I love you”…promise to mow the lawn… buy flowers/dinner…lie about the size of your hand’s arse etc.

    3. if you use your other hand it feels like someone else

    4. you can use both hands and have and orgy

    5. you don’t have to promise to call in the morning

    6. and as long as you’re careful you’ll never end up with the wet spot.

    7. you can make it last for hours, if you do it a certain way

    8. you can do it wherever there is a public toilet which has a private cubical (ie supermarket, shopping centre, railway station, on a train, etc, etc)

    9. you don’t need to make an appointment in advance

    10. it doesn’t really make you go blind, not unless your hand slides off the end and you poke yourself in the eye.

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  • Duct Tape Viagra

    Duct Tape Viagra

    “Hope you don’t mind… I’m out of Viagra, so I used duct tape.”

  • John’s Compliment Comes Back to Haunt Him

    John receives a phone call.

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    “Hello,” he answers.

    The voice on the other end says, “This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago.”

    John: “Hmm… Susan? About 3 months ago?”

    Susan: “Yes, it was at Bill’s house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.”

    John: “Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?”

    Susan: “I’m pregnant and I’m going to kill myself.”

    John: “Say, you ARE a good sport.”

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  • He’s Not Even A Member Of This Club.

    Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

    He passes the first woman, who looks down at his privates. ‘He’s not my husband,’ she says.

    He passes by the second woman, who also looks down as he’s passing. ‘He’s not my husband either.’

    She says, also not recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. ‘Wait a minute,’ she says. ‘He’s not even a member of this club.’

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  • The Man Who Couldn’t Find Her Head

    Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “you know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”

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    The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

    “Today I hiked onto a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watch deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”

    The second friend says. “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I cam across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”

    “Wow,” the first guy says, “did you get a blow job?”

    “No,” says the second friend. “I couldn’t find her head.”

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  • Two Gay Men Have A Happy Baby

    Two gay gentlemen decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

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    Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays’ delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. “Isn’t it wonderful?”

    Brad exclaims. “All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.”

    The nurse says, “He’s happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.”

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  • That Big Ape Hasn’t Called

    Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn’t take their eyes off of it.

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    One of the men just couldn’t bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop. When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage.

    An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked, “Are you hurt?”

    “AM I HURT?” he shouted, “Wouldn’t you be? That big ape hasn’t called, he hasn’t written…”

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  • My Real Life

    I would be completely happy to just live in my dreams, if it weren’t for my girlfriend repeatedly changing into Hitler. No, wait a minute — that’s my real life.

  • When Women Make Gay Men Question Everything

    Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She’s 5’10”, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines!

    The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, “It’s women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a Lesbian!”

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  • Four Types of Orgasms Explained Hilariously

    John: you know there are four types of orgasms?

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    Jim: no what are they?

    John: There’s the POSITIVE, NEGATIVE, RELIGIOUS and FAKE.

    The positive goes oh yes! oh yes!.
    The negative goes oh no! oh no!
    The religious goes oh God! oh God!
    And the fake one goes OH JIM! OH JIM!.

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