Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning.”
“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”
As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warnings on alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurrence in other countries as well. It has come to our attention that a few additional warnings may be appropriate.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a “2” is a “10.”
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
And instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant, the new guidelines should read…
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a two-pound can of coffee, and a one-pound package of bacon.
See you later, love you xxx
Love you too
Babe it would mean a lot to me if you’d put some X’s at the end of your replies xxx
Ok, love you too Donna, Jackie, Karen and Becky
Fuckin prick!!!
“SAY IT WITH FLOWERS!”
“I NEED SOMETHING THAT SAYS, ‘I’D LIKE TO STICK MY DICK BETWEEN YOUR TITS’”
There were three recruits that were on their way up the ranks after joining the FBI for top-ranking officers. There was one final test for them to do before they were chosen to officially join the top ranks, and if they failed, they would not be chosen for the prestigious position.
I told my wife that I’ve swapped our bed for a trampoline.
She hit the roof!
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He’s reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says, “Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward, but I would love to grab coffee with you some time.”
Flattered, the man responds, “Sure… but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?”
“Well…” the woman says. “A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing a Metallica t-shirt. They’re my favorite band of all time. When they went on their …And Justice for All tour, my parents took me to see them in Chicago. I was twelve years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Metallica.”
The man can’t believe it.
“I saw them play in Chicago too! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Mike and I told our parents we were sleeping at each other’s houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city, and saw them play at the World Music Theater!”
Naturally, they’re both shocked.
“If that isn’t weird enough…” says the woman. “I noticed you’re reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He’s my favorite author.”
Now the man is really taken aback. “Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in nineteenth-century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer. I absolutely love Mark Twain.”
They both can’t believe it… this has got to be a match made in heaven.
“Ok…” the woman says. “Well, buckle up because here’s the icing on the cake. I noticed you’re eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we’d go up and harvest the plums with him. He’d dry them and by the time we’d go back to his place for Thanksgiving he’d always have those prunes saved just for us. They’re my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you’re eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?”
The man puts down his fruit and responds, “It’s a date!”
