Today’s lesson: “Right” versus “correct” Wife: “What are you thinking about right now?” RIGHT answer: “Not much. just how much I love you.” CORRECT answer: “How much I love you giving it to Taylor Swift with a Hello Kitty strap-on in a kiddie pool full of tapioca pudding in my fantasies.”
Topic: relationships
Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.
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Word to the wise: The line “Honey, I hurt my penis — can you
Word to the wise: The line “Honey, I hurt my penis — can you kiss it and make it better?” should be used very sparingly. Sooner or later you’re going to lose your balance mountainbiking and bang it against the gooseneck, giving you a good 10 minutes of intense sharp pain, after which you’ll return home and she’ll be all “I’m not falling for that again!”
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Boyfriends are like used car salesmen: They lie, they scam, and
Boyfriends are like used car salesmen: They lie, they scam, and they fuck your brains out in the backseat.
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I picked my fiance’s wedding party very carefully: someone old,
I picked my fiance’s wedding party very carefully: someone old, someone new, someone borrowed and someone I blew.
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My boyfriend got really excited when I whispered, “Someone’s
My boyfriend got really excited when I whispered, “Someone’s getting anal tonight.” Unfortunately for him, I was referring to his mom’s meticulousness in the kitchen.
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I cried because I had no penis, until I met a woman who had no
I cried because I had no penis, until I met a woman who had no vagina. And we lived happily ever after in her Malibu Dream House.
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Give a woman a fish and she’ll eat for a day. Tell her that she
Give a woman a fish and she’ll eat for a day. Tell her that she *smells* like fish and you’ll be wanking for months.
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I hate it when people tell my boyfriend, “You’re so lucky to
I hate it when people tell my boyfriend, “You’re so lucky to have such a cute, funny girlfriend.” Have they not noticed the tits?!
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Haiku: My girlfriend’s hoo-ha Is like Bon Jovi’s album, Slippery
Haiku: My girlfriend’s hoo-ha Is like Bon Jovi’s album, Slippery When Wet.
