Topic: relationships

Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.

  • Forgotten Names, Unfading Love

    A ninety-five-year-old man was asked, “Do you still call your wife ‘darling,’ ‘sweetie,’ or ‘honey’ at this age? What’s the secret?”

    He said, “It’s been ten years. I’ve forgotten her name, and I feel scared to ask now.”

  • Love Without Limits: A Unique Proposal!

    A woman puts an ad in the newspaper looking for a lover.

    She’s looking for a man who won’t hit her, won’t run away, and must be able to satisfy her in the bedroom.

    The next day, the doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs.

    The guy says, “I’m here to answer your ad looking for a lover.”

    She says, “How can you possibly qualify? You don’t have arms or legs.”

    He says, “Exactly. I have no arms, so I can’t hit you. And I have no legs, so I can’t run away.”

    The lady ponders for a few seconds and says, “Good points…but what about satisfying me in the bedroom?”

    And the guy says, “How do you think I rang the doorbell?”

  • Love Stinks: A Wedding Dilemma

    A young couple decided to wed but, as the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
    Long
    Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

    The groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

    “Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.”

    His father replied, “Do you love this girl?”

    “Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.”

    “No problem,” said his father, “All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”

    Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

    The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.

    “Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

    “Honey,” her mother consoled, “Everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

    “No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

    Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”

    “I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.

    “Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

    “Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought.

    The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

    Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

    “Oh no!” he replied, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”

  • High Maintenance? I’m Outta Here!

    I had a fling with a lady janitor, she was always stoned so I had to break it off with her…
    I’m just not into high maintenance women!

  • Drunk Logic: The $20 Clean-Up Plan!

    A man had been drinking at a bar all night and puked down the front of his shirt.

    “Shit, I can’t go home like this. My wife will kill me.”

    The bartender sees this and says, “Put a $20 bill in your pocket, and when she sees the puke, tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning.”

    So the guy goes home, and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened. He replies, “A drunk guy puked on me, and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning.”

    His wife says, “Okay, well then why do you have $40 in your hand?”

    “Because he also shit in my pants.”

  • Prepared for College: Life’s Surprises Ahead!

    A young lad is on his way to college. His dad takes him aside and says, “Son, in college you are going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the pharmacist.”

    The lad says, “Don’t worry, Dad. I have condoms.”

    His dad says, “Not condoms. I got you some anti-depressants.”

  • Finding Happiness After Twenty Years Together

    My husband and I were happy for 20 years.
    And then we met.

  • When Jokes Turn Serious: The Singing Saga

    I thought my wife was joking when she said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer.”
    Then I saw her face.

  • Unexpected Truths: A Lesson in Stupidity

    A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger banging his wife.
    The guy says, “Hey! What the hell is going on here!?!”

    And his wife says to the stranger, “See? I told you he was stupid!”