Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.
In 2010, a group of pirates buried their treasure and, earlier this year, tried to recover it. They tried everything—bloodhounds, radar, metal detectors, sonar—but they couldn’t find their treasure.
One day, one of the pirates had a suggestion.
“Captain, we should break R. Kelly out of prison.”
The captain said, “This is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard, but go ahead. Why?”
“Captain, if anybody can find 15-year-old booty, it’s this guy!”
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She turned around and gave me a big hug.
I got a refrigerator for my wife today.
It was a good trade.
A woman walks into a car dealership to browse around, not really planning to buy anything. In the showroom, she sees a beautiful convertible with a leather interior. She reaches down to touch the seat and accidentally lets a fart go.
To her terror, she looks up and sees a salesman heading her way. Hoping he didn’t hear her, she plays it cool and says, “Excuse me, how much is this car? I’m thinking of purchasing it for my husband.”
The salesman says, “Lady, if you farted from touching the leather, you’re gonna shit when you hear the price.”
A young couple decided to wed but, as the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
Long
Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
“Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.”
His father replied, “Do you love this girl?”
“Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.”
“No problem,” said his father, “All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.
“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”
“Honey,” her mother consoled, “Everyone has bad breath in the morning.”
“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”
Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”
“I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.
“Not a word,” her mother affirmed.
“Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?”
“Oh no!” he replied, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”
I had a fling with a lady janitor, she was always stoned so I had to break it off with her…
I’m just not into high maintenance women!
