Dark sex jokes, adult memes, awkward hookups, bedroom disasters, and the kind of punchlines that should probably clear their browser history afterward.
A woman is at the top of a cliff working up the nerve to jump to her death when a smelly homeless person walks up and says, “Hey lady, if you are going to jump, why don’t we have sex first?”
She yells, “No! Get away from me!”
So the homeless guy says, “Fine! I’ll just wait at the bottom.”
I was blessed with a 9-inch penis.
That priest is in jail now.
MY FAVORITE SEX POSITION IS THE JFK
I SPLATTER ALL OVER HER WHILE SHE SCREAMS AND TRYS TO GET OUT OF THE CAR
A guy walks his girlfriend to her front door after a date. He leans lazily against the house.
“So?” he says.
“So?” she replies.
“So, how about a blowjob?”
“Are you crazy? My parents might see us!”
“Come on, who’s going to see us at this hour? I’ll return the favour.”
“Can you imagine if we got caught? Oh my god, what my father would do to you.”
“There’s no one around. They’re all asleep.”
“No way, it’s far too risky.”
“But I love you so much.”
A light comes on and the front door opens. The girl’s sister appears in her night clothes. She says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if needs be, he’ll do it himself. But for god’s sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom.”
A priest and a voluptuous young woman were alone at the church.
“Ohhh, Father!” whispered the woman into his ear. “Don’t you just wanna come and fuck my pussy?”
“Good heavens, my child, no!” cried the horrified priest. “Always remember: God gave you your womanhood solely for you to bear children with a man who’s your husband.”
“Fine, Father,” said the woman. “Then what about if I give you a blowjob instead?”
“Lord have mercy, my child!” exclaimed the priest. “Don’t you know that your mouth should always be holy and only be used to pray and worship the Lord?”
“You’re right, Father,” conceded the young woman. “So maybe I can give you a handjob?”
“I wouldn’t dream of defiling you like that, child,” admonished the priest. “Your hands were given to you by God so you could accomplish His good works. They should never be used for filthy deeds.”
Then the woman finally lost her patience:
“ALRIGHT THEN, FATHER!! Then just stop fucking my ass, ’cause it’s hurting me a lot!”
You can always tell if a man masturbates a lot by looking at his hands…
If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
A very old woman sitting next to me on the train was watching hardcore porn
on my phone.
I asked a Scottish guy to name all the women he slept with.
He fell asleep.
