Topic: sexual innuendo

Sexual innuendo jokes, memes, dark humor, awkward moments, and weird little disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • The Sneezing Woman on the Flight

    A man and a woman happened to be seated side by side in first class on a cross-country flight. The flight was smooth, the seats were comfortable, and they had both settled in with their books.

    Then, without warning, the woman sneezed. She reached for a tissue, dabbed her nose politely — and then shuddered from head to toe as though someone had plugged her in. The man glanced over but said nothing.

    A few minutes later it happened again. She sneezed, reached for her tissue, and once more shook like a leaf in a thunderstorm. The man shifted in his seat. He tried to focus on his book. He could not.

    After the third time it happened, he set his book down, turned to her as discreetly as he could, and said, “Pardon me, ma’am — I don’t mean to pry, but three times now you’ve sneezed and then, well, shuddered something fierce right afterward. I just wanted to make sure you were all right.”

    The woman looked a touch embarrassed but smiled graciously. “That’s very kind of you,” she said. “I have a rather rare medical condition. Every time I sneeze, I — how shall I put this — I have a very strong orgasm.”

    The man blinked. He opened his mouth. He closed it again. Then he said, “Goodness. I’ve never heard of anything like that. Are there any treatments? What do you take for it?”

    She turned to him with a perfectly straight face and replied, “Pepper.”

  • The Honeymoon Question

    A newly married couple were lying in bed on the first night of their honeymoon when the husband, in a moment of what he would later describe as very poor judgment, propped himself up on one elbow and said, “Sweetheart… can I ask you something personal? How many men have you been with before me?”

    His wife said nothing. He waited. Still nothing. She was lying perfectly flat on her back, staring at the ceiling with a faraway expression.

    “Honey?” he tried again. “I hope I didn’t offend you. I was just curious. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

    Not a word. He started to feel genuinely bad. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Truly. It doesn’t matter one bit. I love you completely, whatever your answer might be.”

    He waited another minute. She kept staring at the ceiling. Her lips moved ever so slightly. He leaned in close. “Sweetheart? Are you all right?”

    She turned to him slowly, with the look of a woman who has been very seriously interrupted, and said, “For heaven’s sake, would you please stop talking? I’m still counting.”

  • The Police Dog Fetch

    Two female police dog handlers are walking their dogs.

    One says to the other, “I left my panties at the police station.”

    The other says, “Let the dog have a whiff of your minge and he’ll go and fetch them.”

    Fifteen minutes later, the dog returns with her panties, her baton, a broomhandle and two of the inspector’s fingers.

  • The Gorilla and the Lion at the Safari Camp

    A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink…

    The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

    The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

    The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”

    The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”

    The lion exclaims, “Oh my gosh! It’s in the paper already?”

  • The Worst Lover in the World

    A man and a woman are lying together in the afterglow following sex.

    The woman says, “You must be the worst lover in the world.”

    The man defensively replies, “Oh yeah? Well, how did you figure that out in fifteen seconds?”

  • Did You Call for Me

    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A nice looking redhead walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

    The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts and within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him and says, “Did you call for me?” The newcomer replies, “No, what do you mean?” The hairy man replies, “You must be new. It’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist and she says, “May I help you?” The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee!” She replies, “But Sir, you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m an older guy. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 35 times a day.”

  • What’s Your Husband’s Number

    My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche…

    Astonished, my wife asked her, “How could you afford this?!”

    “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

    Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

    “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister-in-law. “What’s your husband’s number?”

  • The Second Coming

    A Catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest, “I’m pregnant.”

    He asks, “How did this happen, my child?”

    She says, “I think it must be the second coming.”

    The priest, shocked by this reply, asks, “What makes you think it is the second coming?”

    She replies, “Because I swallowed the first one!”