The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his new boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss excuses him.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosTopic: work
Work jokes, office memes, job interview disasters, coworker chaos, and professional suffering with just enough sarcasm to survive another meeting.
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Jack and Jill’s Unexpected Workplace Showdown
There’s a boss who hired two workers (Jack and Jill) last summer as temporaries. The summer is now over, and he doesn’t have the money to keep both workers on, but he CAN keep one. He’s got a problem because they’re both good workers. So he decides to let fate settle his dilemma by firing the first one of the two that goes to the water fountain the next morning.
Jill is the first to arrive, and, having a headache, takes two aspirins to the water cooler. The boss says to himself, “Well, that’s it then. It’s gotta be Jill.”
He calls Jill into his office. “Money is tight, and I don’t have enough to keep you AND Jack on the payroll. So I either have to lay you or Jack off.”
To which Jill replied: “Well, you’ll just have to jack off, because I have a headache.”
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How to Keep a Healthy Level of Sanity at Work
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
“Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive.”
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be “zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com”
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a coworker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the lunchroom. When people complain that there was none… just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh, you’ve got to be faster than that.”
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The Pizza Delivery Guy
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make three hundred dollars a week. Why?”
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, “Here’s four weeks’ pay — now GET OUT and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “He’s the pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
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You’re Not Sterile
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”
“All right, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”
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What the Engineer Says (What It Really Means)
A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still grasping at straws.)We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem.
(We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)Close project coordination.
(We know who to blame.)Major technological breakthrough.
(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
(We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)Test results were extremely gratifying.
(We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only person who understood the thing quit.)It is in process.
(It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)We’ll look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)Please read and initial.
(Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake.)Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
(We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.)Give us your interpretation.
(I can’t wait to hear this!)See me or Let’s Discuss.
(Come into my office, I’m lonely.)All new!
(Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)Rugged
(Too heavy to lift!)Lightweight
(Lighter than rugged.)Years of development
(One finally worked.)Energy saving
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)Low maintenance
(Impossible to fix if broken.) -
I’ll Show You How
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom — I’ll show you how.”
