Delivery Style: bait and switch

Bait and switch joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • You Didnt Tell Me You Had a Prescription

    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

    The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

    The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

    The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

  • I Have a Gun and I Know How to Use It

    An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

    The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

  • The Same Place You Got That Train From

    My wife asked me to go see a psychologist about my anger issues.

    The doctor asked, “If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?”

    I replied, “I’d get in my helicopter and fly away!”

    The doctor asked, “Where did you get a helicopter?”

    I replied, “The same freaking place you got that train from, dipshit!”

  • In That Case Ill Take Two

    A contractor wanted to give a politician a sports car. The politician objected saying, “My basic sense of ethics would never permit me to accept a gift like that.”

    The contractor said, “I quite understand. Suppose we do this: I’ll sell you the car for ten dollars.”

    The politician thought for a minute and said, “In that case I’ll take two.”

    And that’s how things are in Congress today!

  • Bald Bitches

    Wife: Hey babe! I have to be honest with you about something.

    Husband: Okay?

    Wife: So the other night when you went out and you weren’t answering any of my texts or calls, I kind of went a little crazy.

    Husband: (alarmed) What have you done?

    Wife: I looked through your car and I couldn’t find any hair.

    Husband: Of course, you’re not gonna find any hair.

    Wife: So, you’re messing with bald bitches now? Is that what we’re into now? You go from one extreme to the next… like bald bitches.

    Husband: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

  • She Wouldnt Be Able To Shes Left-Handed

    A young married couple are taking a nice stroll down a long and rather winding road. There was a long way till they got home and there was plenty of time to have a long drawn-out conversation, so the wife decided to ask her husband a question she had on her mind for a long time:

    Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”

    Husband: “No, I love you too much to get married to a different woman.”

    Wife: “But you love being married, don’t you? So honestly. You’d get remarried wouldn’t you?”

    Husband: “Yeah, I guess I would get remarried eventually.”

    Wife: “Would you and your new wife live in our house?”

    Husband: “Yeah, where else would we live?”

    Wife: “Would you take down all the pictures of me and you together?”

    Husband: “Yeah, it would be very discourteous to her not to. I’d still keep the ones of me and you in my private drawer.”

    Wife: “Would you two sleep in our bedroom?”

    Husband: “Yeah, where else would we sleep?”

    Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs?”

    Husband: “No, she wouldn’t be able to, she’s left-handed!”

  • Does It Hurt as Much as Tennis Elbow

    A man got on the train with both front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

    The puzzled blonde kept staring at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after several curious glances, he said, “It’s golf balls.”

    She kept looking, thinking hard, then finally asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

  • To Get More Chalk

    Mike told Sarah he had the strangest dream last night.

    She asked what happened.

    He said he died and was walking up this huge staircase to heaven.

    She replied, “Okay… that’s already intense.”

    He continued that at the bottom they handed him a piece of chalk.

    Sarah asked, “Chalk? For what?”

    Mike explained they said, “Mark a step for every sin you’ve committed.”

    She said, “Wow… that’s terrifying.”

    He replied, “Yeah… I only got a few steps up…”

    She asked, “And then?”

    Mike said, “Then I saw you… running down the stairs.”

    Sarah exclaimed, “WHAT?! Why was I going down?!”

    Mike answered, “…to get more chalk.”