Deadpan Jokes, Memes & Dark Humor

Most Bobcats Not Named Bob

It’s silly to worry about storms.

Your chance of getting hit by lightning is exactly the same as your chance of getting hit by lightning.

Remember: 9 out of 10 doctors recommend slamming your head repeatedly in a car door as a healthy alternative to watching presidential debates.

I donated my old basketball hoop to the school for the blind.

It will be missed.

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

“Mama,” he asked, “Are these my brains?”

Mama answered, “Not yet…”

A teacher sternly informs her class that no excuse, from a papercut to the plague, is acceptable for missing a final exam.

When students suggest scenarios like car issues or roadblocks, she tells them to walk or find a detour.

Finally, a student asks what to do in the case of “extreme sexual exhaustion”?

To which the teacher deadpans, “You’ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.”

My dad said, “Son, if you masturbate too much you’ll go blind.”

And I was like, “Dad, I’m over here.”

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the window.

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.