Delivery Style: deadpan

Deadpan joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

7 Antibiotics

I gave you everything

I know. I’m on 7 antibiotics
Heroin Balloon Butt

When you’re fucking a girl in the butt and a balloon of heroin plops out

Don’t mind if I do.
Selfish Husband Turns Pleasure Condom Inside Out

My wife suggested that we use a new type of condom. It had ridges and bumps and feathers on the side and a shape like a chicken head on the top.

I asked what it was and she explained that it was “especially designed to provide the maximum pleasure for woman”.

I was having none of this and put it on inside out. Why should she get all the fun?

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Legalization of Marijuana

I fully support the legalization of marijuana. It’s a natural substance, just like cyanide, and it has a similar effect on people’s ability to compete with me for jobs and women.
Worst Timing Ever Beats Wife’s Infidelity

Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story, “Wow, that’s awful, what did you do?”

“Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed it back here. Shoot, they were just getting started, so I figure I got time for a couple more beers.”

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Chain It to a Pipe in the Basement

If you really love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, chain it to a pipe in the basement, because you don’t want to take a chance like that twice.
Lack of Pants Essential to Crime-Fighting

Word to the wise: Never trust a superhero who tries to tell you his lack of pants is essential to his “crime-fighting” abilities.
Count Chocula Puts Out a Tasty Cereal

You know, for an evil, undead minion of Satan who feasts on the blood of the living, that Count Chocula sure puts out a mighty tasty cereal.
Screw It Forward

First, I nearly mowed some people over in the crosswalk as I blew through a stop sign. Second, I cut in and stole a waiting vehicle’s parking spot. Finally, I sauntered down the middle of the lane on my way into the mall, clearly annoying the surrounding drivers. It’s all part of my clever little “Screw It Forward” plan.
Nice AND Has All His Teeth

My single friends kept asking me to “fix them up with a nice guy,” but afterwards all they did was complain bitterly. I figure it’s their own fault: If what they really meant was “nice AND has all his teeth,” then they should have said so.