Delivery Style: deadpan

Deadpan joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • I Have Never Been a Mourning Person

    I have a friend who passed away recently and they are having the funeral at 7am. I’ve decided not to go… I have never been a mourning person.

  • The Laxative Cough Remedy

    A drug store owner walks in and notices a man leaning stiffly against the wall.

    He asks the clerk, “What’s wrong with that guy?”

    The clerk says, “He came in looking for something for a cough. We were out of cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxatives.”

    The owner shouts, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

    The clerk replies, “Oh yeah? Look at him… he’s afraid to cough.”

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  • Satan Meets His Match in Church

    A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

    Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

    Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

    So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

    “Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

    “Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

    “Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.

    “Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.

    “Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY… for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

    “Yep,” was the calm reply.

    “And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.

    “Nope.”

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?!”

    The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for the last 48 years.”

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  • What to Do With All the Extra Tacos

    My kids refused to eat leftover tacos for dinner, so my wife told me to just throw them out.

    Now I don’t know what to do with all the extra tacos.

  • Take on an Empty Stomach

    Doctor: “Have you been taking the medicine I prescribed you last month?”

    Me: “It says to take on an empty stomach, so no, I haven’t had the chance.”

  • Put Me Down for a Five

    Police have been called to an apartment, and upon arrival find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”

    “Yes,” says the woman.

    “Did you hit him with that golf club?”

    “Yes, yes, I did.”

    The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

    “How many times did you hit him?”

    “I don’t know — put me down for a five.”

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  • This Thing Changes Everything

    I got a new universal remote last week and let me tell you, this thing changes everything.

  • And Any Weaknesses

    “I once farted so loud that everyone in the grocery store ducked.”

    Interviewer: “Ok… and any weaknesses?”

  • The Last Thing You Want to Hear

    When I was getting my physical, at one point the doctor told me I’d feel a small prick.

    Definitely the last thing you want to hear before a prostate exam.

  • Some Really Terrible Things for Money

    In my day, I’ve done some really terrible things for money.

    Like getting up early to go to work.