Delivery Style: dialogue

Dialogue joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Nothing Gets Done Between 7 and 10

    A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” asked the interviewer.

    “Yes, I was a Marine,” responded the applicant.

    “Did you see any active duty?”

    “I was in Vietnam for two years and I have a partial disability.”

    “May I ask what happened?”

    “Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”

    “You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 a.m.”

    “When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”

    “Everyone else starts at 7 a.m. but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”

  • You’re Not Sterile

    A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”

    “Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”

    “All right, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”

  • Toxic Waste Pipeline Through a Recreational Area

    Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, “It had to be a mechanical engineer — look at all the joints.”

    Another said, “No, it had to be an electrical engineer. The nervous system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections.”

    The third said, “Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?”

  • Meow

    One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: “Help wanted. Must type seventy words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer.” A dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.

    The office manager said, “I can’t hire a dog for this job.”

    The dog pointed to the line: “An equal opportunity employer.”

    So the manager said, “OK, take this letter and type it.”

    The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

    The manager said, “Here’s a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it.”

    Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

    The manager still wasn’t convinced. “I can’t hire a dog for this position. You’ve got to be bilingual.”

    The dog looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”

  • Engineering Interview

    Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as compared to D.C.?

    Student: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.

    Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?

    Student: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it was AC.

    Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?

    Student: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.

    Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?

    Student: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)

    Interviewer: Stop! Stop!

    Student: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)

    Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?

    Student: By using a miniature circuit breaker.

    Interviewer: Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through?

    Student: See, a capacitor is like this —“~~”—, OK. DC comes straight, like this ——————————, and the capacitor stops it. But AC goes UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!

    Interviewer: What is a step-up transformer?

    Student: A transformer that is put on top of electric poles.

    Interviewer (smiling): And then what is a step-down transformer?

    Student (hesitantly): Uh — a transformer that is put in the basement or in a pit?

    Interviewer (pouncing): Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?

    Interviewer (impatiently): Well?

    Student (triumphantly): A stepless transformer, sir!

  • This Bitch Is Giving You a Hard Time?

    This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account!”

    To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”

    “Listen up, dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account right now.”

    “Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!” The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”

    “There’s no damn problem,” the man said. “I just won fifty million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”

    “I see, sir,” the manager said. “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

  • If Dr. Seuss Wrote About Computer Users

    Tech: “I think I know from where your problems stem. Would you, could you, RTFM?”

    User: “I would not, could not RTFM. I want you to solve my problem.”

    Tech: “Could you read the docs online? Would you read them any time?”

    User: “I would not read the docs online. Without them I can do just fine.”

    Tech: “Would you read a FAQ or HOWTO? Is this something you could do?”

    User: “I could not read a FAQ or HOWTO. Even the thought makes me spew.”

    Tech: “What could I suggest next? Would you read it in hypertext?”

    User: “I would not read help in hypertext, for the problem with which I am vexed.”

    Tech: “How about if you could read it through a conveniently placed system menu?”

    User: “I will not access help from a menu. That stuff is a bunch of ballyhoo!”

    Tech: “How much simpler could this be? Did you try the help hotkey?”

    User: “I’ll try not a help hotkey, to that I will never agree!”

    User: “I would not, could not RTFM. I want you to solve my problem!”

    Tech: “Since you will not RTFM, you I must now condemn”

    Tech: “To a life without working software, and a constant feeling of despair.”

    Tech: “You should read a book by Dr. Seuss, or maybe something by Mother Goose.”

  • The Cup Holder on My PC Is Broken

    Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”

    Tech Rep: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”

    Tech Rep: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”

    Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”

    Tech Rep: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”

    Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”

    At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off in the drive. Oops!

  • Nine Martini Nightcap

    A tired-looking gentleman walks up to a bar and asks the bartender quite explicitly for nine double martinis, extra dry, hold the olives, and to serve them all at once, right away. The bartender gives the man a curious look, but to no effect, and proceeds to mix and pour the man’s request. The gentleman picks up the first and turns it up quickly before the bartender can finish pouring even the second one, and proceeds to drink each one in turn.

    Finally, the bartender has to ask. “Why all the drinks?”

    “Celebrating!”

    “Oh? What’s the occasion?”

    “My first blowjob.”

    “Well, congratulations. Let me give you one on the house to make it an even ten.”

    “No thanks. If this doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth, another one won’t help any.”

  • Only Fifty Cents

    A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!”

    The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

    The bartender says, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

    The cowboy replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too if you had what I have.”

    The bartender says, “Oh dear! What is it? What do you have?”

    “I have… only fifty cents!”