If your girlfriend starts smoking….
…slow down, and use a lubricant.
Delivery Style: One-liner
One-liner joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Habit Forming
The national committee of tailors has issued a warning about making clothes for nuns.
Apparently, it’s habit forming.
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The Worst Thing About Being an Atheist
What’s the worst thing about being an atheist?
You have nobody to talk to when you’re having an orgasm.
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I’m Dreading It
I’m not a hairdresser, but a friend of mine asked me to do their hair like a Rastafarian.
I’m dreading it.
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How Many Perverts Does It Take to Put in a Light Bulb and Other One-Liners
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
“How come?”What’s the definition of a teenager?
God’s punishment for enjoying sex.Did you hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They’ll never see you coming.What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.What does Kodak film have in common with a condom?
They both capture that special moment.Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!What’s the ultimate in rejection?
When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.Why don’t debutantes go to orgies?
There’d be too many thank you notes to write.What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
Is it in?What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year. -
Top 16 Reasons Last Nights Date Was a Failure
The Top 16 Reasons Last Night’s Date Was a Failure
16. Two words: Crying Game
15. Putting chopsticks in your nose doesn’t go over so well since you hit the big four-oh.
14. You woke up in a tu-tu, a bra and scuba flippers – but where the hell is your hockey mask?
13. Losing that Happy Meal prize to your date in an arm-wrestling contest kind of put a damper on the rest of the evening.
12. You roll over and find a naked Ed Asner next to you.
11. You brought flowers and candy, she brought a lawyer and a restraining order.
10. O.J. Simpson mask definitely not a big hit.
9. Her job as an Elvis impersonator didn’t bother you until you discovered the sideburns are real.
8. You didn’t feel the earth move, but you learned an awful lot about life insurance.
7. Severe paper cuts from that popcorn-box trick forced you to go to the emergency room alone.
6. Everything was going great until the conversation shifted to rejected names for hurricanes.
5. The only tongue you got was at the deli counter.
4. A generally accepted rule of thumb is that your date should have the same number of digits after the date as before.
3. Your date’s position as environmental spokesperson really kept you from enjoying your porpoise sandwich.
2. You were only being honest, Gene Hackman in drag *is* arousing
1. Dinner reservations at House of Beans.
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Top 12 Pickup Lines at the Masturbate-a-Thon
The Top 12 Pickup Lines Used at the Masturbate-a-Thon
12. “Doesn’t it seem strange to be doing this? I mean, without a keyboard in front of you?”
11. “So, I hear you’re looking for a colossal jerk.”
10. “Excuse me — I could use a hand over here.”
9. “Doubles, anyone?”
8. “So what time do you get off?”
7. “This reminds me of Hands Across America. Only slimier.”
6. “Are you finished with that?”
5. “Good choice! The SuperSchlong 6000 was a Consumer Reports Best Buy.”
4. “This is just a microcosm of life… oh, sorry about that — I’m waxing philosophical.”
3. “Hello, handsome! I will be your father figure….”
2. “Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”
1. “Can you help me out? I’m blind — and extremely confused right now.”
