My new co-workers at the slaughterhouse have been great, patiently showing me the ropes without any of the hazing I’d feared. I will say, though, that I hope the Testicle Fairy visits soon, because my pillow is starting to smell awful.
Delivery Style: One-liner
One-liner joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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If I’m to believe Occam’s Razor — that all things being equal, the most obvious answer
If I’m to believe Occam’s Razor — that all things being equal, the most obvious answer is usually the correct answer — then I must sadly admit that all spammers probably don’t share the exact same name and email address as my wife, and that all those “male enlargement” spam messages are actually from my wife.
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A dead camel with two humps may be in the shape of a heart, but it makes a poor Valentine.
A dead camel with two humps may be in the shape of a heart, but it makes a poor Valentine.
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Infomercials should only be viewed between 3 a.m.
Infomercials should only be viewed between 3 a.m. and 6 a.m. That’s when you’re desperate for sleep and watching George Foreman grill meat somehow makes sense on a higher metaphysical plane.
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If I grind too far, it breaks; but if I don’t grind enough, I cannot write.
If I grind too far, it breaks; but if I don’t grind enough, I cannot write. There’s something really Buddhist about this damn pencil sharpener.
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I cried because I had no shoes.
I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man in an Amsterdam brothel with a diaper on and a rubber chicken on his head, who was the victim of a botched sex-change operation in a Tijuana prison. That pretty much shut me up.
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You’d have to think the worst thing about being one of those dudes that get paid to hold
You’d have to think the worst thing about being one of those dudes that get paid to hold up signs is knowing that at any moment, you could lose your job to a stick or a staple.
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Hangovers are temporary; memories are forever.
Hangovers are temporary; memories are forever. Unless you were too drunk to remember them, that is.
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Oh, look, it’s a little Bill Clinton head!
Oh, look, it’s a little Bill Clinton head! Smells like cheeseburger! Ah, Teddy Roosevelt. The Square Deal tastes like cherry, I guess. And JFK! How in the world do they get that detail in a little piece of candy? Man, these Prez dispensers are great!
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Since I was born with only four fingers, I’d like to marry someone else who has the same
Since I was born with only four fingers, I’d like to marry someone else who has the same number of fingers as I do. I mean, besides a drunk carpenter or a kid with a buzz saw.
