Narrative comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says, “They look so calm—they must be British!”
The Frenchman responds, “No, no! They’re naked, so beautiful—they must be French!”
The Russian says, “They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise? …They’re clearly Russian!”
Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says, “God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma, and… goodbye Grandpa.”
He asks her, “Why did you say that?”
“I don’t know, I just felt like saying it.”
The next day, Grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks Dad, that’s an odd coincidence.
A month later, at bedtime, the daughter says, “God bless Mommy and Daddy. And goodbye Grandma.”
Sure enough, the next day Grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
Dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he isn’t sure what to do. He doesn’t want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and Grandpa were her parents).
Months go by, and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime.
“God bless Mommy…” she turns her head and looks straight at him, “…and goodbye Daddy.”
“What?! Are you sure, honey?”
She nods.
The man’s heart begins racing, and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can’t sleep at all that night.
The next day, he goes off to work but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings, and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally, it is midnight, and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death.
He drives home, drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him.
“Where the hell were you today?!”
He replies, “Don’t shout, I’ve had an absolutely miserable day.”
His wife then says, “You had a miserable day? I’m the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps…”
Two altar boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and reels it in. He snatches it up and proclaims to the other altar boy, “Look at this big sum bitch!”
The other altar boy says, “You can’t say that—you’re an altar boy.”
To which he explains, “That’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”
“Wow, well that is a big sum bitch. Let’s go show it to the priest!”
The two boys run up to the priest, yelling, “Priest, look at this big sum bitch we caught!”
Priest: “You boys can’t talk like that—you’re altar boys!”
Altar boys: “Priest, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”
Priest: “Well, that is a nice sum bitch. Let’s go catch some more of those sum bitches and show ’em to the cardinal!”
So the priest and the boys catch some more of those sum bitches and carry them to show the cardinal.
“Cardinal, look at all these sum bitches we caught!”
Cardinal: “I should have you all excommunicated for language like that!”
Altar boys: “Well, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”
Cardinal: “I never in my life have seen such a fine bunch of sum bitches. Let’s take them to the nun and see if she’ll cook up these sum bitches!”
So the altar boys, the priest, and the cardinal go see the nun.
“Nun! Can you cook up these sum bitches for us?!”
Nun: “I ain’t cooking nothing if you boys are gonna talk like that!”
Altar boys: “Nun, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch!”
Nun: “Well, since you boys went through the trouble of catching all these sum bitches, I reckon I could fry these sum bitches up!”
That night, the pope is visiting town and sits down for supper with the altar boys, priest, cardinal, and nun.
Altar boys: “I can’t believe we caught all these sum bitches!”
Priest: “These are the best sum bitches I have ever eaten!”
Cardinal: “Nun, you cooked these sum bitches just right!”
Nun: “I sure did. You boys gotta catch some more of these sum bitches!”
The pope looks around at everyone with a surprised look on his face. He cracks a grin and says, “Y’all motherfuckers are alright!”
A woman is walking home with her 3 daughters.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, “Mummy, how did I get my name?”
“Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that’s why we named you Rose.”
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
“Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that’s why we named you Lily.”
The third girl asks “HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!”
“Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock.”
A businessman wants to buy a farmhouse.
After discussing the price and coming to common ground on the terms, they shake hands, and the property is practically sold.
As they do a final walkthrough of the land, the businessman notices a beehive on the property and says, “Please, this needs to be removed—or take them with you. They could sting; it’s dangerous.”
The farmer answers, “They’ve never stung me once since they’ve been here. I’ve never had any problems with them. I understand that you’re afraid, though, so let’s do it like this: I’ll tie you to this tree right here and leave you here butt naked overnight. If any bee stings you, I’ll give you my property for free.”
They agree on those terms and shake hands again.
The next morning, the farmer checks on the businessman and finds him all dried up, skinny, pale, eyes rolled back, and barely holding himself up.
The farmer is shocked at the sight and says, “I want to apologize. This was a terrible idea. They never stung me or anyone who ever came by. Tell me, how many stung you?”
The businessman, barely speaking, says, “None… but tell me, does that calf of yours not have a mother?”
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me before he died:
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
