Narrative comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A woman walks into a car dealership to browse around, not really planning to buy anything. In the showroom, she sees a beautiful convertible with a leather interior. She reaches down to touch the seat and accidentally lets a fart go.
There was a safety meeting at work today…
They asked me, “What steps would you take in case of a fire?”
“Big fucking steps.”
Evidently, that was NOT the answer.
Little Johnny was in school and his English teacher had the students write short poems.
When everyone was done, she asked the students to read them for the class.
Little Jeremy: “I took a walk down by the lake and there I saw a long brown snake.”
Very good Jeremy!
Little Susie: “My oh my! I looked to the sky, and there I saw a butterfly.”
Very good Susie!
Little Johnny: “I couldn’t think of one.”
Teacher. “You go out in the hall and let me know once you do!”
Little Johnny goes and sits in the hall. He’s looking around and figures one out.
He jestures to the teacher who comes and asks him what his poem is.
“As I sat out in the hall, a big cockroach ran up the wall.”
The teacher wasn’t pleased, because she knew Johnny just loved slipping in curse words, but said “Ok, but leave cock out of it.”
Little Johnny comes back in front of the class and reads his poem:
“As I sat out in the hall, I saw a roach run up the wall. With his cock out!”
A young couple decided to wed but, as the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
Long
Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
“Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.”
His father replied, “Do you love this girl?”
“Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.”
“No problem,” said his father, “All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.
“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”
“Honey,” her mother consoled, “Everyone has bad breath in the morning.”
“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”
Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”
“I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.
“Not a word,” her mother affirmed.
“Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?”
“Oh no!” he replied, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”
Church was in service when the Devil appeared and started running up and down the aisles, screaming, “I AM BEELZEBUB, LORD OF HELL! FEAR ME!”
Everyone in the church started panicking and scrambling to escape, except an old man who just quietly sat there shaking his head.
The Devil, seeing this, went up to the old man and shouted, “I AM BEELZEBUB! WHY AREN’T YOU AFRAID OF ME?!”
The old man calmly looked the devil in the eyes and said, “I’ve been married to your sister for 60 years.”
An old religious woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot. Everything is fine until she brings it home. It begins to swear uncontrollably: “F this, F that, F you,” and finally the lady can stand it no more.
She grabs the bird, shoves it in the freezer, and slams the door shut. Squawking, shrieking, pounding, and cursing come out of the freezer for a few moments, and then it goes quiet.
The woman is scared that she has hurt the bird and opens the freezer. The parrot walks calmly out and steps gently onto the woman’s outstretched hand. He looks into the lady’s eyes and says, “Ma’am, I am truly sorry if my language offended you, and it will not recur. If I may ask, what did the chicken do?”
A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says, “They look so calm—they must be British!”
The Frenchman responds, “No, no! They’re naked, so beautiful—they must be French!”
The Russian says, “They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise? …They’re clearly Russian!”
Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says, “God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma, and… goodbye Grandpa.”
He asks her, “Why did you say that?”
“I don’t know, I just felt like saying it.”
The next day, Grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks Dad, that’s an odd coincidence.
A month later, at bedtime, the daughter says, “God bless Mommy and Daddy. And goodbye Grandma.”
Sure enough, the next day Grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
Dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he isn’t sure what to do. He doesn’t want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and Grandpa were her parents).
Months go by, and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime.
“God bless Mommy…” she turns her head and looks straight at him, “…and goodbye Daddy.”
“What?! Are you sure, honey?”
She nods.
The man’s heart begins racing, and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can’t sleep at all that night.
The next day, he goes off to work but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings, and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally, it is midnight, and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death.
He drives home, drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him.
“Where the hell were you today?!”
He replies, “Don’t shout, I’ve had an absolutely miserable day.”
His wife then says, “You had a miserable day? I’m the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps…”
Two altar boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and reels it in. He snatches it up and proclaims to the other altar boy, “Look at this big sum bitch!”
The other altar boy says, “You can’t say that—you’re an altar boy.”
To which he explains, “That’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”
“Wow, well that is a big sum bitch. Let’s go show it to the priest!”
The two boys run up to the priest, yelling, “Priest, look at this big sum bitch we caught!”
Priest: “You boys can’t talk like that—you’re altar boys!”
Altar boys: “Priest, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”
Priest: “Well, that is a nice sum bitch. Let’s go catch some more of those sum bitches and show ’em to the cardinal!”
So the priest and the boys catch some more of those sum bitches and carry them to show the cardinal.
“Cardinal, look at all these sum bitches we caught!”
Cardinal: “I should have you all excommunicated for language like that!”
Altar boys: “Well, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”
Cardinal: “I never in my life have seen such a fine bunch of sum bitches. Let’s take them to the nun and see if she’ll cook up these sum bitches!”
So the altar boys, the priest, and the cardinal go see the nun.
“Nun! Can you cook up these sum bitches for us?!”
Nun: “I ain’t cooking nothing if you boys are gonna talk like that!”
Altar boys: “Nun, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch!”
Nun: “Well, since you boys went through the trouble of catching all these sum bitches, I reckon I could fry these sum bitches up!”
That night, the pope is visiting town and sits down for supper with the altar boys, priest, cardinal, and nun.
Altar boys: “I can’t believe we caught all these sum bitches!”
Priest: “These are the best sum bitches I have ever eaten!”
Cardinal: “Nun, you cooked these sum bitches just right!”
Nun: “I sure did. You boys gotta catch some more of these sum bitches!”
The pope looks around at everyone with a surprised look on his face. He cracks a grin and says, “Y’all motherfuckers are alright!”
