Format: one-liner

One-liners, quick jokes, short-form comedy, and punchlines built for impatient degenerates from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

I think that woman at the animal shelter is overreacting. I

I think that woman at the animal shelter is overreacting. I never said I wanted to adopt a kitten; I said I wanted a little pussy.
(Roman Meeks) I like my bloody marys like I like my women: with

(Roman Meeks) I like my bloody marys like I like my women: with a little pickle in ’em!
Want to impress your architect girlfriend? Shave your pubes to

Want to impress your architect girlfriend? Shave your pubes to look like the buildings surrounding the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Hey, if my boyfriend’s penis could spurt chocolate, I’d never

Hey, if my boyfriend’s penis could spurt chocolate, I’d never take the damn thing OUT of my mouth.
I guess it’s my fault; I kept telling my girlfriend I wanted to

I guess it’s my fault; I kept telling my girlfriend I wanted to see her get nasty and sweaty with another woman. But hair-pulling on “Jerry Springer” wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.
Those damn IT security Nazis! What I do in my free time with my

Those damn IT security Nazis! What I do in my free time with my laptop is between me and the cleaning lady who digs the tissues out of my trash bin.
There I was, twisted up in an erotic sexual pose, while at the

There I was, twisted up in an erotic sexual pose, while at the same time lamenting the deeds of my past and wondering what punishment I might have to suffer in the future. Alas, such is the paradox of my religion, the Karma Sutra.
“conditions in the time it takes to rub one out

“conditions in the time it takes to rub one out.”
I keep asking my personal waxer if he’d ever consider going out

I keep asking my personal waxer if he’d ever consider going out with me, but he just keeps giving me lip service.
Money can’t buy happiness. Except the kind of happiness that can

Money can’t buy happiness. Except the kind of happiness that can be found with multiple orgasms brought on by well-made vibrators.