Format: setup-punchline

The trooper walks up to the window and says, “Do you know how fast you were going?” The doctor replies, “No, officer.”

The trooper starts writing the ticket and, trying to make conversation, asks, “So, what do you do for a living?” The doctor says, “I’m a proctologist.” The trooper asks, “What’s a proctologist?” The doctor smiles and says, “I stretch assholes.”

The trooper looks puzzled. “You can actually stretch one?”

“Certainly,” says the doctor. “I can stretch one from about six inches all the way to six feet.”

The trooper asks, “What do you do with a six-foot asshole?”

The doctor replies, “You give him a radar gun and park him beside the highway.”

The doctor walks into the examination room and says, “Alright, before we start the physical, I have the results of some of your preliminary blood work that I’d like to discuss — first off, you need to stop smoking.”

The man says, “Why? I can breathe fine.” And the doctor says, “Maybe, but your blood work is showing some signs of heart disease and smoking is going to make that worse. Now also, you’ll need to stop drinking.”

The man says, “Oh come on, doc, drinking with my buddies is my favorite thing!” And the doctor says, “That may be so, but your blood work is showing some potential liver damage, so you’ll need to quit. Now then, we can begin the examination.”

The doctor pulls out his stethoscope and puts it on the man’s chest. He abruptly pulls it away and says, “You need to stop masturbating.”

The man gets fed up and says, “Doc, come on! I can’t drink — sure, I get it. I can’t smoke — yeah, smoking’s bad for you. But what could masturbating be doing to my health?!”

The doctor replies, “It’s not doing anything bad for your health. I’m just trying to examine you.”