Format: setup-punchline

Setup-punchline comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • But I Like How Youre Thinking

    Teacher is teaching her class and notices that Johnny isn’t paying attention.

    So she calls on him: “Johnny, if there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”

    Johnny says, “None.”

    The teacher asks, “Why?”

    Johnny replies, “Because the shot scared them all off.”

    The teacher says, “No, there would be two left, but I like how you’re thinking.”

    Then Johnny turns the tables and asks the teacher: “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream—which one is married?”

    The teacher, trying to be proper, says, “The one sucking her ice cream.”

    Johnny grins and says, “No, the one with the wedding ring… but I like how you’re thinking!”

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  • You Didnt Tell Me You Had a Prescription

    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

    The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

    The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

    The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

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  • The Doctor Had Both His Hands on My Shoulders

    A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor.

    The doctor examined him and explained: “I’m going to give you some suppositories. I’ll insert one now, and then I’ll give you another one for later this evening.”

    Later that evening, the man asks his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks,

    “Aahhhhh!”

    “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” she asks.

    “No… I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!”

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  • The Worlds Smartest Man Just Jumped Out With My School Backpack

    There are four people on an airplane: The pilot, the President of the United States, the world’s smartest man, and a student from a local school.

    Suddenly, an alarm sounds. The pilot runs into the passenger cabin and says:

    “I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s a problem with the engine. We’re going down!”

    Everyone prepares to evacuate, but there’s a problem. There are only three parachutes. One person will have to stay behind.

    The President says, “I’m the President. My country needs me!” He grabs a parachute, straps it on, and jumps out.

    The world’s smartest man says, “I’m the smartest man in the world. I must survive for the sake of my great inventions!” He grabs a bag from the same area, puts it on his back, and jumps out.

    Now only the pilot and the student remain, and there appears to be just one parachute left.

    “Well,” says the pilot, “you take it. I suppose the captain goes down with his ship.”

    “Actually,” says the student, “there are two parachutes.”

    The pilot looks confused. “How?”

    “The world’s smartest man just jumped out with my school backpack.”

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  • That Lion Got Himself Into This Mess

    A hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law.

    One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone.

    In a state of worry, she awakens her husband, and they both set off to find the old woman.

    Suddenly, they break into a clearing, and there’s the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

    “Quick, darling,” the wife shouts frantically, “Do something!”

    “Oh, no,” the husband says, “That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!”

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  • I Thought Ye Said a Protestant

    An Irish daughter left home for 5 years and returns.

    When she returns, her Father curses her badly.

    “Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?”

    The girl, crying, replied, “Dad… I became a prostitute.”

    “Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”

    “OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath) …and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera.”

    “What was it ye said ye had become?”, says Dad.

    Girl, crying again, “A prostitute, Daddy!”

    “Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!”

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  • Easy Peasy Lemons Queasy

    A pea, a lemon, and a potato were leaving a bar at the top of a very steep hill after a long night.

    The pea, feeling quite energetic, shouted, “Lads! We’re all round—let’s just roll home!” and immediately shot down the hill.

    The lemon wobbled after him, but his oval shape made him list violently from side to side, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. The potato followed behind, trundling along slowly.

    When the potato finally reached the bottom, he found the lemon leaning against a lamp post, looking very pale and clearly sick. The pea, however, was already jumping up and down. “That was brilliant! Let’s do it again!”

    The potato looked at the lemon, then back at the pea, and said: “Easy peasy, lemon’s queasy.”

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  • I’ll Get Halfway Across and You’ll Turn the Light Off

    Two crazy guys are planning to escape the asylum. One night, they climb onto the roof. Across from them is another building.

    The first guy says, “I have my flashlight. I’ll turn it on, and you can walk across the beam of light to the other roof!”

    The second guy shakes his head and says, “What do you think I am, crazy? I know what you’ll do… I’ll get halfway across, and you’ll turn the light off!”

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  • The Same Place You Got That Train From

    My wife asked me to go see a psychologist about my anger issues.

    The doctor asked, “If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?”

    I replied, “I’d get in my helicopter and fly away!”

    The doctor asked, “Where did you get a helicopter?”

    I replied, “The same freaking place you got that train from, dipshit!”

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  • Whatd You Do With the Boat

    A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience changed every week, so he repeated the same tricks.

    The only problem was the captain’s parrot, who saw every show and figured out the secrets.

    In the middle of performances, the parrot would shout: “Look, it’s not the same hat!” “He’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

    The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything about the captain’s bird.

    One day the ship sank. The magician ended up on a piece of wood in the ocean… with the parrot right beside him.

    They stared at each other in silence for days. Finally, the parrot said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

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