I used to date a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart.
It was easy.
Jill painted her nails purple and Bob has a pecker.
Format: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Theyre Having a Yard Sale
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time, my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
“Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?”
“Yes,” she said. “They’re retired prostitutes — they’re having a yard sale.”
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Two Cups of Coffee and an Ice Cream
Mick is out around town doing a bit of shopping, in one particular store he spots something shiny behind the counter and says to the assistant, “What’s that thing there?”
“It’s a thermos flask,” says the assistant.
“What does it do?” Mick asks.
“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, sir,” she replies.
Mick buys the thermos flask and takes it to work the next day. At lunch time he sits down and takes it out of his rucksack.
“What’s that thing?” Paddy asks.
“It’s a thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” Mick says.
“Is that so? What’ve you got in it?” asks Paddy.
Mick says, “Two cups of coffee and an ice cream.”
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The Catholic Type the Salvation Army Type and the Baptist Type
A man walked into the ladies section of a department store.
He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”
“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.
“Type?” inquires the man. “There is more than one type?”
“Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color, and material.
“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only 3 types of bras,” replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked, “What are the 3 types?”
The saleslady replied, “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?”
Still confused, the man asked, “What is the difference between them?”
The lady responded, “It is all really quite simple… The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”
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A Six-Foot Butthole
An elderly woman is speeding down the highway when she sees a policeman with a radar gun. The policeman signals her to pull over, then walks up to her and asks with a smile, “What’s your hurry?”
“I’m late for work.”
“Sure,” says the officer, “what do you do?”
“I’m a rectal distender.”
“What? A rectal distender? What exactly is that?”
“Well, you see, I start by inserting one finger, then the other, then work up to three fingers, four fingers, until my whole hand is in. I work from side to side until I have both hands in, and then I slowly expand the rectum until it is about six feet wide.”
“And what do you do with a six-foot butthole?”
“I give him a speed gun and put him on the side of the road.”
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She Wouldnt Be Able To Shes Left-Handed
A young married couple are taking a nice stroll down a long and rather winding road. There was a long way till they got home and there was plenty of time to have a long drawn-out conversation, so the wife decided to ask her husband a question she had on her mind for a long time:
Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”
Husband: “No, I love you too much to get married to a different woman.”
Wife: “But you love being married, don’t you? So honestly. You’d get remarried wouldn’t you?”
Husband: “Yeah, I guess I would get remarried eventually.”
Wife: “Would you and your new wife live in our house?”
Husband: “Yeah, where else would we live?”
Wife: “Would you take down all the pictures of me and you together?”
Husband: “Yeah, it would be very discourteous to her not to. I’d still keep the ones of me and you in my private drawer.”
Wife: “Would you two sleep in our bedroom?”
Husband: “Yeah, where else would we sleep?”
Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
Husband: “No, she wouldn’t be able to, she’s left-handed!”
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Does It Hurt as Much as Tennis Elbow
A man got on the train with both front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept staring at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after several curious glances, he said, “It’s golf balls.”
She kept looking, thinking hard, then finally asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
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I Remembered Where I Left My Bike
A young assistant pastor went to the head preacher and said, “Pastor, I’ve got a bit of a situation. My bike’s been stolen.”
“I just moved to this small town and don’t want to start off by calling the police. If I knew who took it, I’d quietly ask for it back, but half the folks in church love a good prank and I don’t want to accuse the wrong one.”
The preacher smiled and said, “This Sunday, preach on the Ten Commandments.”
“When you get to ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ scan the pews and watch for a guilty face. After the service, have a friendly chat with whoever looks nervous.”
That afternoon, the preacher saw the young pastor riding his bike down Main Street. He waved him over and said, “Well, I see you got it back!”
“Did my advice do the trick? Was it hard convincing the guilty party?”
The young pastor shook his head and laughed. “No sir, didn’t need to.”
“I was halfway through the Ten Commandments, but when I got to ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I suddenly remembered where I left my bike!”
