I told my kids to stop pretending to be farm animals.
I was getting sick of them horsing around.
Format: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Witch Doctor’s Second Opinion
A sailor on leave in the south Pacific finds that his whoring and carrying on has caught up with him and he’s come down with a horrible venereal disease of some kind. So, he consults the ship’s surgeon and is mortified when the doctor tells him that there’s nothing else for it — the organ must be amputated.
Desperate for an alternative, he tries consulting local doctors, nurses, medicine men — whoever he can find. Way out in the boonies, he consults a witch doctor on the problem and explains that he desperately wants to avoid the amputation.
The witch doctor looks at him with a frown and a sigh. “Those western doctors — all they know how to do is cut, cut, cut! There’s no need for that.”
“So, we don’t have to amputate!?”
“Not at all. Two… three more weeks and it’ll fall off on its own.”
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On My Own Accord
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
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The Bilingual Dog Secretary
The CEO of a company was in need of a secretary.
He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he decided to test the dog:
“Look, I need a secretary who understands the basics of computers.”
The dog went to one of the secretary’s desks, climbed on the chair, turned on the computer and the printer in total tranquility.
The CEO was amazed, but decided to go further:
“That’s good, but I need a secretary who understands spreadsheets.”
The dog quickly opened Excel, scanned rows and columns of data and then used pivot tables to create dashboards of charts. The astonished CEO desperately followed:
“Well, that’s really fantastic, but my secretary must be bilingual!”
The dog replied: “Meow.”
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My Lawyer
So the boss gets a hot new secretary, and almost immediately they start having an affair. However, within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is performing at work: coming to work late, ignoring phone calls, and so on.
Finally, he pulls her aside and says, “Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”
And the secretary says, “My lawyer.”
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Turn It Around
A man walks into a bar and orders a Screwdriver, so the bartender hands him an apple.
Confused, the man says, “Bartender, I would like the drink.” The bartender shakes his head no and says, “Just eat the apple.”
The man takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise he says, “Wow, this tastes like vodka!” and the bartender says, “Turn it around.” So the man turns the apple around and takes another bite and says, “This side tastes like orange juice!” and he walks away eating the rest of the apple.
A few minutes later he asks the bartender for another drink. “I would like a Mimosa,” he says. The bartender reaches under the bar and hands the man another apple. Tired of apples, the man asks for the drink again and the bartender refuses and tells him to just eat the apple. He takes a bite and again to his surprise the apple tastes like champagne. “Wow, this is a cool trick!” The bartender again tells the man, “Turn it around.” The man turns the apple around, takes another bite and again it’s orange juice!
A few minutes go by and the man approaches the bar heavy in thought. He says to the bartender, “You know, if we can make these apples taste like pussy we could be rich!” The bartender reaches under the bar and hands the man another apple. “No way!” says the man as he mouth-wateringly takes a huge bite out of the apple. Almost immediately he spits apple chunks everywhere and on the verge of vomiting he yells at the bartender, “This apple tastes like SHIT!”
And so the bartender said, “Turn it around.”
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He Would Never Use Your Golf Clubs
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch when the husband looks over and says, “Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?”
The wife thinks about it and says, “Well, we have a beautiful house, and I don’t want to be alone, so… yes, I probably would.”
The husband looks a bit hurt. “Would you let him live in our house?”
“It’s a great house, and it’s paid off, so yes, we’d live here.”
“Would he sleep in our bed?”
“It’s a brand-new mattress, so yes, he probably would.”
“Would he use my golf clubs?”
“Oh, absolutely not,” the wife snaps. “He’s left-handed.”
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The Student Discount at the Brothel
A student comes to a brothel and says, “I want sex, but I’m a student, I don’t have much money.”
They tell him, “Okay, we have a special offer for students: it costs $1 to insert, $1 to pull out.” The student chose a girl, they went to the room. They got into bed, started. He put it in her and doesn’t move. She screams, “Pull out, pull out!” He replies, “I’m out of money.”
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Your Whole Post Is Urined
I hate spelling errors.
You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
