Joke Type: adult humor

Adult humor jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Wouldnt Watch That If I Were You

    Wouldnt Watch That If I Were You

    look what I found in my mother’s room

    Aye man, I wouldn’t watch that if I were you

  • The Little Old Lady and the Two Garbage Bags

    A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large garbage bags behind her.

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    One of the bags rips, and every so often a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

    A policeman notices and stops her.

    “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.”

    “Oh really? Darn,” says the little old lady. “I’d better go back and pick them up. Thanks for telling me.”

    “Hold on a second,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

    “Oh no,” she says. “You see, my backyard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, fans come and… relieve themselves through the fence into my flower garden.”

    “So I stand behind the fence with hedge clippers. Each time someone does it, I say: $20, or off it comes.”

    The cop laughs. “Well, that seems fair enough. Good luck, ma’am. By the way, what’s in the other bag?”

    “Well, you know,” says the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

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  • Mabel and the Breathalyzer

    An old lady with dementia loved riding her motorized scooter around the nursing home.

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    She reached speeds of 5 mph, but in her mind she was zooming at breakneck speed. The staff and other residents of the nursing home took pleasure in humoring her fantasy.

    “Hold it right there, Mabel!” said a nurse, holding her hand up like a traffic cop. “I need to see your driver’s license.” Mabel reached into her purse and took out a picture of her grandkids. The nurse tells her to watch her speed and have a safe trip.

    A few minutes later, Mabel is stopped again by Rose, a fellow resident, who tells her they’ve had reports of a stolen car that matches the description of the scooter. Rose asks to see her registration, and Mabel procures an expired coupon from her purse. Rose examines it and tells Mabel she’s free to go. Mabel takes off down the hallway once again.

    She takes a wrong turn into George’s room and comes to a stop. George gets out of bed, naked, and walks over to her with his penis in his hand.

    “Oh damn,” says Mabel. “Not the breathalyzer again.”

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  • Warm Milk and Viagra at the Nursing Home

    A man was at the nursing home asking his father how the nursing home is doing. His father told him everyone treats him nice, the food is good, and every evening they get a warm glass of milk and a Viagra pill.

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    Outraged, the man jumps on the first orderly he sees and asks him why they are giving his father a Viagra pill with a warm glass of milk at night!

    The orderly explains, “The milk makes them sleepy and the Viagra stops them from rolling out of bed at night.”

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  • Crumpled Dollars and the Garage

    A wife arrives home on her husband’s day off.

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    She asks, “Hey Hubby, have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?”

    He says, “Erm… I dunno. Why?”

    She gives him a sexy smile, shakes her cleavage and says, “I wonder what’s in there?”

    Husband smiles, reaches in and pulls out a $20 crumpled note.

    Wife asks, “Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?”

    Husband says, “No I haven’t,” and starts to grin.

    She gives him another sexy smile and pulls up her skirt.

    He reaches into her tight panties and pulls out a crumpled fifty dollar bill and starts breathing heavily.

    “Now,” she says, “have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”

    “$50,000?! Where do I see that?” he asks, eyes wide open and heavily aroused.

    She says, “Go look in the garage.”

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  • You’ve Got a Friend in Me

    The next Toy Story movie will include sex toys. They even wrote a new song for Andy’s mom:

    You’ve got a friend IN ME.

  • Dave’s Haircut and the Pope

    Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

    He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

    “We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

    “United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

    “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

    “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

    “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

    “That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”

    A month later, Dave again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

    “It was wonderful,” explained Dave. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

    “Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

    “Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”

    “What did he say?”

    “He said, ‘Where’d you get this shitty haircut?’”

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  • The Old Man at the Red Light District

    An old man was visiting a red light area.

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    There, a really hot prostitute asked him if he wanted her for an hour. The man replied, “I won’t be able to.”

    “Why won’t you be able to? I’ll make you have the time of your life,” said the prostitute, and took him to her private room.

    The prostitute stripped and asked the man to do the same. The man again replied, “I won’t be able to.”

    “Don’t worry, you’ll do great,” said the prostitute as she stripped him.

    Then they started having sex, and he was great. The prostitute orgasmed multiple times and they kept going even when the hour was over.

    When the man got tired they finally stopped. Exhausted, the prostitute said, “That was the best sex I’ve ever had. Why were you saying ‘I won’t be able to’? You are so good.”

    The man replied, “I meant I won’t be able to pay.”

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  • Checking In at the Reception Desk in Hell

    A man is checking in at the reception desk in Hell.

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    “Welcome!” says the Devil. “You’re in for an amazing time! First up, did you like a drink when you were on Earth?”

    “I certainly did!” says the man.

    “Great!” says the Devil. “We kick off the week on Monday with a gigantic piss-up. Beer, whisky, rum, brandy, gin, tequila, you name it, we’ve got it! You can’t get a hangover, and you certainly can’t kill your liver. You’re already dead!”

    “Fantastic!” says the man. “What about Tuesday?”

    “Tuesday? Just wait until you get to Tuesday! Do you like women?”

    “I sure do,” says the man.

    “Then Tuesday’s going to be great too! You’ll be at it all day long with the most amazing women you ever saw. They’re into all kinds of everything you can imagine, no matter how kinky. And you can’t catch any STIs either, not even herpes never mind syphilis! You’re already dead!”

    “Then it’s Wednesday,” continues the Devil. “Ever do drugs on Earth? No? Want to give it a go? We’ve got all kinds of substances down here, and you can do them all. You’ll never OD or rot your brain. How could you? You’re already dead!”

    “Great!” says the man. “And Thursdays?”

    “Thursdays,” says the Devil, “is when we roll out the tobacco. Bit of a chill day after all the partying. Cigars, cigarettes, cheroots, you name it. Every kind of leaf that the Earth ever had, and you can stick it in your pipe and smoke it. And you can’t get lung cancer or even a nasty cough! You’re already dead!”

    “Now, Fridays,” says the Devil. “Were you into that gay stuff on Earth? A bit of back-door action just to change it up? Maybe gobble on a big thick rod or two?”

    “Oh no,” says the man, “I never liked the sound of that at all.”

    The Devil sighs. “Oh well. I guess Fridays aren’t going to be much fun for you, then.”

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  • Grandpa in the Hospital

    A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.

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    “How are you, grandpa?” he asks.

    “Feeling fine,” says the old man.

    “What’s the food like?”

    “Terrific, wonderful menus.”

    “And nursing?”

    “Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”

    “What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”

    “No problem at all — nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet… and that’s it. I go out like a light.”

    The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

    “What are you people doing?” he says. “I’m told you’re giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”

    “Oh, yes,” replies the Sister. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”

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