Joke Type: adult humor

Adult humor jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Choosing A Wife

    A man has three girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

    The first girlfriend went out and got herself a total makeover. She told him, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

    The second girlfriend went shopping and got the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and an 80-inch flat-screen TV. She said, “I got these gifts for you because I love you so much.”

    The third girlfriend took the $5,000, invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned the $5,000, and reinvested the rest. She said, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

    The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

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  • Why a Small Cruise Ship Is Like a Guy

    Why is a small cruise ship like a guy suffering from premature ejaculation?

    Both of them only need a couple of tugs.

  • The Wi-Fi Password

    Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”

    My friend: “Blow me first.”

    Me: “Alright.”

    Later, me: “So… what’s the Wi-Fi password?”

    My friend: “blowmefirst, no caps, no spaces.”

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  • Personal Space

    Yesterday, one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

    It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

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  • A Winery Job Interview

    At a winery, the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

    A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

    The drunk tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

    “That’s correct,” said the boss. Another glass…

    “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results.”

    “Correct.” A third glass… “It’s a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,” the drunk said calmly.

    The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

    The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father.”

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  • The Assassin’s Rate

    So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

    A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

    “Yup.”

    “What if you miss?”

    He looks at the man, deadly serious. “I don’t miss…”

    “Okay, well, I’ve got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They’re at the motel together right now.”

    “Let’s go,” the assassin says.

    So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

    “They’re in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off.”

    The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

    “Well? What are you waiting for!?” the husband asks.

    “Hold on a minute,” said the assassin. “I think I can save you 10K.”

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  • A Thousand Dollars

    He asks, “Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?”

    She says, “Hell yea!” So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually, the lady asks, “Aren’t you gonna bite them?”

    He says, “Nah, it’s too expensive.”

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  • At Confession

    Girl: “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

    Priest: “What have you done, my child?”

    Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

    Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

    Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

    Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

    Girl: “Yes, Father.”

    Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”

    Girl: “Then he touched my breast.”

    Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast)

    Girl: “Yes, Father.”

    Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

    Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, Father.”

    Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes)

    Girl: “Yes, Father.”

    Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

    Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”

    Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

    Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!”

    Priest: (after a few minutes) “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

    Girl: “But Father, he had AIDS!”

    Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”

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  • A Visit To The Brothel

    A midget walks into a brothel with a honeycomb under his arm and a donkey following closely behind. He asks the headmistress for a woman for the evening, as his wife had left him.

    She says, “Sure thing, but I gotta ask, what’s with the honeycomb and the donkey?”

    He says, “Well, my wife found a genie’s lamp, and her first wish was a home fit for a queen, and she ended up with a honeycomb. Then she asked for the nicest ass ever, and so she got this very well-behaved donkey.”

    The mistress asks about the third wish, and the midget says she wished I had a dick that hung past my knee.

    She says, “Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.”

    “It wouldn’t be that bad except I used to be 6’3”!”

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  • Ten Years On The Island

    A man is stranded on an island for 10 years. He sees something in the distance coming his way. As it gets closer, he recognizes that it is a person in scuba gear swimming his way. When the person reaches the shore and stands up, he sees that it is a gorgeous woman.

    She asks him, “How long have you been here?”

    “10 years,” he says.

    She asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

    “10 years.”

    She unzips a little pocket and takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. She lights one up for him and hands it to him. As he takes a puff, she says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a shot of whiskey?”

    “10 years,” he says.

    She unzips another pocket, takes out a silver flask, and hands it to him. Then she asks, “How long has it been since you’ve played around?” and starts unzipping the front of her wetsuit.

    He gets very excited and says, “10 years. I can’t believe you have a set of clubs in there!”

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