Adult humor jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
A cowboy is walking down Main Street in nothing but his boots and hat. A sheriff stops him and asks why he is walking down the street naked.
The cowboy explains that after he and Sally took off their clothes, she laid down and hollered, “Go to town, cowboy!”
“So here I am.”
A married man starts a new job that makes him work late hours. Every night, he comes home ready to have sex with his wife, who is usually asleep.
He says, “We need a code so you can let me know when you’re in the mood. I’ll wake you up with my erection in your hand. If you’re in the mood, stroke it two times.”
His wife asks, “Okay, but what if I’m not in the mood?”
He says, “You’ll stroke it 200 times!”
A couple was going through some tough times and decided to try prostitution to make ends meet. After the first night, the wife came home after a long night and put $50.25 on the table.
The husband commented that it was a decent start and asked who paid with a quarter.
She replied, “Everyone.”
A couple decides to try prostitution to make ends meet. Harry tells his wife to stand outside a bar, charge a hundred bucks, and ask him if she has questions.
A guy offers thirty. Harry says he can get a handjob for that.
She gets in the car, sees his HUGE… and says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back to Harry and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her. Afterward, he sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”
Three dogs are at the vet. Two explain they attacked the mailman and milkman, so they are getting their nuts cut.
The third dog says he jumped on the master’s wife when she bent over and tore her ass up.
The others ask, “Damn, you getting your nuts cut too?”
The third dog replies, “No, just my nails done.”
A beautiful woman walks into a doctor’s office. The doctor tells her to take off her pants and starts rubbing her thighs. “Do you know what I am doing?”
“Yes, checking for abnormalities,” she replies.
He later starts having sex with her and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
She replies, “Yes, getting herpes. That’s why I am here!”
It was the mailman’s last day after 35 years on the same route. Every house gave him congratulations and gifts.
At the final house, a beautiful blonde led him upstairs for a passionate liaison, then made him a giant breakfast. He noticed a dollar bill under his coffee cup.
“What’s the dollar for?” he asked.
She said, “Last night, I asked my husband what to give you. He said, ‘Scr*w him… give him a dollar.’ But the breakfast was my idea.”
A guy just started at his new job, working at an adult shop. His boss comes out and tells him he has to leave for a while and asks, “Can you handle it?”
The new employee reluctantly agrees.
While he is alone, he sells a white dildo, a black dildo, and then a plaid one from the shelf for $165.
Finally, the guy’s boss returns and asks, “How did you do while I was gone?”
The salesman says, “I think I did good. I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!”
He says, “Gramps, can I have a puff?” Grandpa replies, “Can your dick touch your asshole?”
“No…”
“Well, you can’t have any.”
Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, “Can I have a swig?” Grandpa replies again, “Can your dick touch your asshole?”
“No…”
“Well, you can’t have any.”
The boy goes into the kitchen and is eating cookies when his Grandpa walks in.
“Can I have a cookie?” asks Grandpa.
“Can your dick touch your asshole?”
Grandpa says, “As a matter of fact, it can!”
The little boy replies, “Well then, you can go fuck yourself. These are MY cookies.”
