Joke Type: adult humor

Adult humor jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • John’s Birthday At The Club

    A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club on his birthday.

    At the club, the doorman says, “Hi, John. How are you doing today?”

    The wife asks, “How did he know your name?”

    John says, “Oh! Honey, I played football with him in college.”

    Inside, the bartender says, “As usual, John?”

    John says to his wife, “Before you say anything, he’s on the bowling team.”

    Then a stripper asks, “Hi, John. Do you want the special again?”

    The wife doesn’t wait for him to give an excuse anymore. She drags him into a taxi…

    Then the taxi driver says, “Hey, Johnny boy! You picked up an ugly one this time!”

    John’s funeral is next week…

  • The Bar Menu

    A man walks into a bar.

    Upon sitting down, a busty blonde waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.

    He looks up at the menu above the bar.

    It says, “Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, Handjob $10.”

    He asks the waitress, “Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?”

    She winks and replies, “Why, yes, I am.”

    He says, “Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.”

  • How to summon

    How to summon

    HOW TO SUMMON

    CHILD SUPPORT

  • Me buying condoms

    Me buying condoms

    *Me buying condoms*

    Pharmacist: Do you need a bag?

    Me: No thanks, she’s beautiful

    Pharmacist:

  • A Trained Crocodile

    A circus claims to have a truly unique attraction: a trained crocodile.

    The crocodile shows some truly astonishing skills like jumping through a burning hoop, riding a bicycle, and even smoking a pipe.

    At the end of the show, the crocodile’s trainer instructs the orchestra to play a dramatic flourish as he unzips his pants and places his member into the crocodile’s open mouth. The crocodile then gently closes its mouth until the trainer gives it a good, solid whack between the eyes, upon which the crocodile lets go of his member without as much as a scratch. The audience erupts in applause until the trainer gestures for them to be quiet.

    “Any gentleman within the audience who is willing to repeat this, I will give them $1,000 in cash!” he proclaims. Nobody answers, so he ups the ante to $2,000, then $3,000 and even $4,000 until, when he calls out: “Alright, then, $5,000!” a man in the audience stands up.

    “I’ll do it! But on one condition!”

    “And what would that be?” asks the trainer.

    “Don’t hit me between the eyes like that.”

  • The Last Body of the Day

    A mortician is working on the last body of the day before he’s going to call it quits. He is amazed by the size of this man’s penis.

    He says to himself, “Well, Mr. Shecky Goldstein, you clearly have the largest penis I have ever seen. I’m going to have to take a photo of this to show to my wife.”

    He takes the photo, finishes up for the day, and goes home. When he sees his wife, he immediately takes out his phone and shows her the photo of the penis.

    She looks aghast, then cries out, “Oh my God, Shecky Goldstein is dead!”

  • Little Johnny in the Park

    Little Johnny is walking through the park with his father when they see two dogs going at it. Little Johnny points at the dogs and says, “Hey Pop, what’s happening?”

    “Son, they’re making a puppy.”

    That night Little Johnny walks past his parents’ bedroom and he sees his dad giving it to his mom.

    “Hey Pop, what’s happening now?”

    “Son, we’re making you a baby brother.”

    “Yeah well, flip her over. I’d rather have a puppy!”

  • Out with Grandmother

    A little girl was out with her grandmother when they came across two dogs mating on the sidewalk.

    “What are they doing?” asked the girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said: “The dog on top hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying it to the doctor.”

    The girl thought for a moment, and then said: “They are just like people, aren’t they?”

    “What do you mean?” asked Grandma.

    “Offer someone a helping hand,” said the girl, “and they will fuck you every time.”

  • Do women enjoy watching men masturbate

    Do women enjoy watching men masturbate

    DO WOMEN ENJOY WATCHING MEN MASTURBATE

    The ones on the 38 bus don’t.

  • Two Morticians at Lunch

    Two morticians were out having lunch.

    The first one said, “I had this one girl yesterday whose clitoris was just like a pickle!”

    “Really!? That big?” said the second.

    “No! That salty!”