Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
An old woman goes to the newspaper office after her husband died.
She says to the person at the front desk that she needs to get an obituary published for her husband.
She gets brought into an office and is asked what she wants the obituary to say.
The woman thinks and says, “Fred Smith died.”
The reporter looks at her and says, “Ma’am, you can have it say more than that if you want.”
So the little old lady thinks for a second and says, “Fred Smith died. Boat for sale.”
Jack and John went camping. After setting up their tent and relaxing for a while, it got dark and suddenly they were surrounded by mosquitoes. So they quickly got inside the tent and hid under the blanket.
After some time, Jack decided to peek outside. He lifted the blanket and slightly opened the tent door, only to see a bunch of fireflies glowing outside.
He immediately jumped back under the blanket and whispered to John:
“Don’t go out… they’re looking for us with lanterns.”
Two Tennessee rednecks decided they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba turns to Billy Ray and says, “Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.”
Billy Ray really doesn’t think very much, but says that he’ll go along for the ride.
The next day, Bubba and Billy Ray go down to the Community College, and Bubba meets the Admissions Counselor. After a short discussion, the Counselor signs Bubba up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Bubba says. “What the heck is that?”
Well, the Counselor says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a weedeater?”
“Yeah, I sure do,” says Bubba.
“Then I can assume, using logic, that because you own a weedeater, you must have a yard,” replied the Counselor.
“Hey, that’s really good!” replied Bubba.
The Counselor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also probably own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “That’s amazing, yes, I do have a house!”
“And because you have a house, and a yard, you might also logically have a family,” said the Counselor.
“Hey, this is some good stuff! Yes, I do have a family!” says Bubba.
The Counselor said, “I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”
“Yes, I sure do have a wife, her name is Betty Sue,” said Bubba.
The redneck was starting to catch on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are probably heterosexual,” said the Counselor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard, figuring all that out ’cause I own a weedeater! I can’t wait to take this logic class!” said Bubba.
The redneck, so proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Billy Ray was waiting.
“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked Billy Ray.
“Math, English, History, and Logic!” replied Bubba.
“Logic?” Billy Ray says. “What’s that?”
Bubba says, “I’ll show you. Do you have a weedeater?”
“No.”
Perplexed, Bubba ponders for a moment, then says, “Then you’re homosexual, ain’t ya.”
Arthur is 75 years old…
He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago.
One day, he arrives home looking downcast.
“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea.
As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try?”
“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”
“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” the brother-in-law answers. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” Arthur asks.
“I don’t remember.”
A receptionist at a law office picks up the phone…
“Can I speak to Mr. Green, please?” a little voice at the other end asks.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the receptionist says, “Mr. Green died last week.”
“Thank you.” The little voice then hangs up.
The next day, the phone rings again. The same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”
The receptionist says, “I’m pretty sure you called yesterday, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead.”
“Thank you.” The little voice responds again, then hangs up.
The next day, the phone once again rings, and the same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”
The receptionist is getting quite annoyed at this point. “Look, I know you’re the same person who called the last two days, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead! What about that don’t you understand!”
The little voice responds, “Oh, I understand perfectly. I just love to hear you say it.”
While visiting the United States, the Pope tells his limo driver that he suddenly has the urge to drive.
The driver, being a devoted Catholic, would never dream of refusing the Pope, so he climbs into the back seat while the Pope takes the wheel.
They’re cruising down the highway at nearly 80 mph when a police officer spots them and pulls them over.
The officer radios headquarters:
“Chief, I’ve pulled over a limo with a very important VIP inside.”
The chief asks, “Who is it? The mayor?”
“No, someone more important.”
“The governor?”
“More important.”
“The President?!”
“No, even more important.”
Now irritated, the chief says, “Who could possibly be more important than the President?”
The policeman calmly whispered, “I’ll put it to you this way, Chief… I don’t know who this guy is, but he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.”
Two businessmen were walking down the street, when one of them spots a pile of dog shit on the ground.
Being bored, he tells the other guy, “Hey, if you eat that, I’ll give you $10k right now.”
Naturally, he plugs his nose and eats it. As promised, the first one pulls $10k out of his wallet and hands it over. It’s a big wallet, I guess.
A mile later, they spot another pile. This time, the second businessman tells the first, “$10k to eat that right now!”
Of course, the first one takes the deal. Easy money, right?
They continue walking, and after a moment, the first one says, “You know, it occurs to me we both just ate dog shit, and we’re not a penny richer.”
After a moment, the second one replies, “Yes, but we increased the GDP by $20k.”
Mrs. Jones has been happily married to her husband for 50 years, but she is disappointed by how they are no longer intimate anymore in their autumn years. She decides to see her doctor.
“Mrs. Jones, how can I help you?” the doctor smiles. She explains her situation and the doctor nods.
“That is fine, Mrs. Jones, I can give you some pills for him to take.” Mrs. Jones shakes her head sadly. “Doctor, he refuses to take pills. It’s too embarrassing for him to think he has to take pills for sex.”
The doctor says, “Ok, take this vial of liquid and put it in his morning coffee.”
Mrs. Jones leaves and comes back the next day. “Nothing, doctor, not even a hint of passion,” she says, disappointed.
“Fine,” the doctor says. “Take this edible gel, and when you make him lunch, spread it on his sandwiches like butter. That’ll perk him up.”
Mrs. Jones leaves and comes back the next day, annoyed. “Again, nothing. He didn’t so much as get excited, even when I wore some lacy panties to bed that night.”
The doctor scratches his head. “Right then.” He goes to a drawer and comes back with a medication that comes in a salt shaker. “Put this on his dinner. It is our most potent aphrodisiac.”
Mrs. Jones leaves and comes back the next day, absolutely furious. The doctor says, “Mrs. Jones, you must be joking, surely something happened.”
Mrs. Jones angrily exclaims, “As soon as he had one bite, he got a mad glint in his eye. He took me and we had mad, wild, passionate sex. Right there on the table!”
The doctor is confused. “But surely that’s what you wanted.”
Mrs. Jones replies, “Of course, it was the best sex I have ever had in my life.”
The doctor says, “But why are you so upset?”
Mrs. Jones shouts, “I can never show my face in that restaurant again!!”
