One day when I was young I walked into the kitchen and saw my dad cutting up onions, and just everything came over me I broke down crying. Onions was such a good dog.
Joke Type: anecdotal
Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day
For a wedding gift, a guy decides to tattoo his wife’s name on his penis…
When erect, it proudly reads “Wendy” on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows “Wy”.
While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a “Wy” on his penis.
He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy. The guy replies in a Jamaican accent: “No man, why do you ask?”
The husband then explains that he noticed the Wy on his penis and shared that he also has Wy on his and then when erect it says “Wendy”. The stranger then said: “When I have a hard on it says ‘Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.’”
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Show Him Your Badge and Warrant
A DEA officer had a tip that a farmer was growing weed and showed up to inform the farmer that he would be searching the farm for illegal marijuana plants.
The farmer said: “I do not consent to a search without a warrant.”
At which point the DEA pulled out his badge and a signed warrant and said: “THIS gives me the authoritah to search wherever I want.”
So the farmer said: “Okay, but stay out of that field,” pointing to a fenced-in field.
The DEA says: “Then that is where I will start.”
The farmer just shrugged and went back to work.
A few minutes later the DEA agent was screaming and the farmer came to see the DEA agent running and diving, trying to avoid being gored by the farmer’s large bull. The DEA agent was yelling for help. The farmer shouted: “SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE AND WARRANT!!!”
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Thats the Sheriffs Gal
A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men.
He asked one of the local cowboys, “What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?”
The cowboy replied, “See them thar’ sheep up on th’et hill. We just go git us one.”
“That is disgusting and barbaric!!” replied the lawyer.
After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.
After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm.
The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.
The lawyer said, “You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I’m some sort of freak for doing what you’ve been doing all along. I’m just doing it with more class.”
“That ain’t the problem,” replied one cowboy. “That’s the sheriff’s gal you’re with.”
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A Hot Dog and a Popsicle
There was two people working in a coal mine. It was time for lunch so the two people sat down together; one was a West Virginian, the other a Virginian. While they were eating lunch, the Virginian pulled out a Thermos.
“What is that?” asked the West Virginian.
“A Thermos,” said the Virginian.
“What is it used for?” asked the West Virginian.
“It is used to store hot stuff in it and cold stuff in it,” said the Virginian.
“I’m going to get me one,” said the West Virginian.
So the next week when the West Virginian and the Virginian ate lunch together, the West Virginian pulled out a Thermos.
“What’s in the Thermos?” asked the Virginian.
“A hot dog and a Popsicle,” said the West Virginian.
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Something Soft and Mushy
So anyway this hillbilly took his girl up to lovers peak. They sat down on a log. After a bit Judi says to Jon, “Aren’t the stars purty tonite?”
Jon says “Sure is Judi”.
Judi says “Jon, aren’t the moon purty tonite”.
Jon says “Sure is Judi”.
After a bit Judi says, “Jon, whisper something soft and mushy in my ear”.
So Jon leans over and whispers “Shit”.
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De Duck Won
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held in the area around LaFayette, and duly dispatched the infamous detective Desormeaux to investigate.
He reported to his sergeant the next morning.
“Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin’” he began.
“Good work. Who are they?” the sergeant asked.
Desormeaux replied confidently, “De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia.”
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, “How did you find that out in one night?”
“Well,” he replied, “I went down and done seen dat cock fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight.”
The sergeant nodded, “I’ll buy that. But what about the others?”
Desormeaux intoned knowingly, “Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck.”
“Ah,” sighed the sergeant, “And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?”
“De duck won.”
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What Do You Think That Bull Was Slipping In
At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, “That new bull nearly did me in today, pard.”
“Oh yeah, what happened?”
“I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. Damn near got me!”
“So, how’d you get away?”
“The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make the fence and jump over.”
“Man, that’s scary. If it’d been me, I’d probably have shit all over the place.”
“What do you think that bull was slipping in?”
