Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
I was looking at my wife, no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up.
Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.
“You are a mess and I’m disgusted with you,” I said.
“I’m still the woman you love and married,” she said. “Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit.”
“We’re on our fuckin honeymoon,” I replied…
Three nuns die and all go to Heaven. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter appears.
“I will ask each of you one question,” he says. “You must answer correctly the first time, and you will be granted access to Heaven.”
Of course, they are all nervous, but the first nun steps up.
“Who was the first man created?” St. Peter asks.
“Easy, that was Adam,” the nun replies gleefully.
The gates open, music starts playing, and in she goes.
“Next,” says St. Peter, turning to the second nun, “who was the first woman created?”
“Eve, of course!” she replies.
The gates open, music starts playing, and she enters.
St. Peter then looks at the third nun and asks, “And what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”
The third nun looks puzzled, but she’s determined to get into Heaven. She thinks and thinks, then finally mutters under her breath, “Boy… that’s a hard one.”
And the gates open, the music starts playing, and she walks into Heaven.
The Moyel and the Leather Worker
In the Jewish religion, the ritual specialist who conducts circumcision (“bris”) is called a “moyel”.
So this one moyel works for decades, and saves all his clippings. When he retires, he takes them to a leather worker, and asks if he can make something out of them.
A couple of weeks later, the leather worker calls the moyel in and lays a wallet on the counter.
“What? Sixty years in the trenches and all I get is a wallet?” cries the moyel.
“Rub it. It turns into a suitcase.”
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand-new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he sped down I-95, pressing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw a state trooper — blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out and walked up to the Corvette. He glanced at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The old gentleman paused, then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.
It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to visit my girlfriend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and beautiful, but sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking in other areas.
Well Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself. I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches.
When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka.
I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions. I did.
It said… “For best results, put on two coats.”
A blonde walked into an appliance store and told the clerk that she liked to purchase the television set that sat on the counter. Very politely the clerk told her that the store didn’t service to blondes. She was just about to say something when she got an idea. She went home and dyed her hair black.
The very next day, she went to the store and told the same clerk she had talked to the day before, that she would like to purchase the television set that sat on the counter. Then politely the clerk told her that he already told her the day before that the store didn’t service to blondes.
She looked surprised and asked him, how did you know I was the blonde from yesterday?
How did I know, the clerk said, ’cause that’s a microwave.
A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he says.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted is hiding in your wardrobe and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
“You bastard,” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”
Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn’t bother to wave the men on through (which is proper golf etiquette).
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, “I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, “Small world.”
