Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Doctors Have Described His Condition as Stable

    BREAKING NEWS: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.

    Doctors have described his condition as stable.

  • Why Did You Make Her So Stupid

    One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve…

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    Adam: Pretty good, I guess.

    God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?

    Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?

    God: So you would enjoy looking at her.

    Adam: And why did you make her skin so much softer than mine?

    God: So you would enjoy touching her.

    Adam: And why did you make her smell so much better than me?

    God: So you would want to be around her all the time. You see, Adam, I made Eve just for you, to make you happy.

    Adam: Then why did you make her so stupid?

    God: Well, Adam, if I had made her any smarter, she never would have slept with a guy like you.

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  • A Bad Case of Onomatopoeia

    Doctor: “I’m afraid you have a bad case of onomatopoeia.”

    Patient: “What’s that?”

    Doctor: “I’m afraid it’s exactly what it sounds like.”

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  • Genealogist vs Gynecologist

    What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

    One looks up your family tree. The other looks up your family bush.

  • Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper

    I couldn’t sleep last night because I realized Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper have the same middle names.

  • Bad Brakes Have Never Stopped Me Before

    It’s probably not safe for me to be driving right now.

    But, hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

  • Asking for Aspirin While Winking

    A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well with one problem — he kept winking at the camera.

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    The interviewer said, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking is a real problem. I’m afraid we won’t be able to hire you unless you get it under control.”

    “Oh, that’s no problem,” said the man. “If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking for a couple of hours. More than enough time to get the broadcast done.”

    “Alright, show me,” said the interviewer.

    So the man reached into his pocket. First, he put his hand in his right pocket, and as he took it out he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety and size, but no pills. Next he dug into his left pocket, and again pulled out an embarrassing amount of condoms in all shapes and colors before finally finding the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin, and the second take went without a single hitch.

    The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, I’d hire you on the spot, except that we’re not in the habit of hiring such womanizers. We’ve had too many sexual harassment suits.”

    “Excuse me!” exclaimed the man. “I’m a happily married man, not a womanizer!”

    “Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer.

    The man sighed, “Have you ever tried going into a pharmacy, asking for aspirin, and winking all the while?”

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  • Do Not Resuscitate

    I gave my wife a bracelet that belonged to my grandmother. I thought that it was a caring gesture. My wife was not happy.

    The bracelet said, “Do Not Resuscitate.”

  • Shit Happens According to Religion

    Taoism — Shit happens.

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    Buddhism — If shit happens, it’s not really shit.

    Islam — If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.

    Protestantism — Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.

    Judaism — Why does this shit always happen to us?

    Hinduism — This shit happened before.

    Catholicism — Shit happens because you’re bad.

    Hare Krishna — Shit happens rama rama.

    T.V. Evangelism — Send more shit.

    Atheism — No shit.

    Jehovah’s Witness — Knock knock, shit happens.

    Hedonism — There’s nothing like a good shit happening.

    Christian Science — Shit happens in your mind.

    Agnosticism — Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.

    Rastafarianism — Let’s smoke this shit.

    Existentialism — What is shit anyway?

    Stoicism — This shit doesn’t bother me.

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  • Not Another Breathalyser

    One day, while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.

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    He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

    “I’ve pulled you over for speeding, ma’am. Could I see your driver’s license?”

    “What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

    “It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer.

    After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

    “Now, may I see your registration?” asked the cop.

    “Registration… what’s that?” asked the blonde.

    “It’s usually in your glove compartment,” said the cop impatiently.

    After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

    “I’ll be back in a minute,” said the cop and walked back to his car.

    The officer called in to dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration.

    After a few moments, the dispatcher came back. “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?”

    “Yes,” replied the officer.

    “Is she a drop-dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher.

    “Uh… yes,” replied the cop.

    “Here’s what you do,” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.”

    “What? I can’t do that. It’s… inappropriate,” exclaimed the cop.

    “Trust me. Just do it,” said the dispatcher.

    So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

    The blonde looks down and sighs, “Ohh no… not another breathalyser…”

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