Why are pubic hairs curly?
So they don’t poke your eye out.
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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I Don’t Want Them Fucking Your Mother
A son takes his elderly father to the doctor.
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, sir, but the outlook is grim. You have a rare form of cancer and you’ll be dead in a year.”
As they’re driving home, the father says, “You know, I’m not depressed. I’ve lived 75 great years. Tonight let’s go out and celebrate my good, long life!”
That night they’re at the bar and the father is surrounded by all of his friends and he says, “Yup, I’ve got AIDS. I’ll be dead in a year.”
At the end of the night, the son is driving his father home. He says, “Pop, you’ve got cancer. Why did you tell all your buddies you have AIDS?”
“Because after I’m dead, I don’t want them fucking your mother.”
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You Need to Stop Masturbating
A man goes to the doctor after not having been for over a decade.
The doctor walks into the examination room and says, “Alright, before we start the physical, I have the results of some of your preliminary blood work that I’d like to discuss — first off, you need to stop smoking.”
The man says, “Why? I can breathe fine.” And the doctor says, “Maybe, but your blood work is showing some signs of heart disease and smoking is going to make that worse. Now also, you’ll need to stop drinking.”
The man says, “Oh come on, doc, drinking with my buddies is my favorite thing!” And the doctor says, “That may be so, but your blood work is showing some potential liver damage, so you’ll need to quit. Now then, we can begin the examination.”
The doctor pulls out his stethoscope and puts it on the man’s chest. He abruptly pulls it away and says, “You need to stop masturbating.”
The man gets fed up and says, “Doc, come on! I can’t drink — sure, I get it. I can’t smoke — yeah, smoking’s bad for you. But what could masturbating be doing to my health?!”
The doctor replies, “It’s not doing anything bad for your health. I’m just trying to examine you.”
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We’ve Been Lucky So Far
Little Johnny and Sophia are only 12 years old, but they know they are madly in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Sophia’s father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Scaduto, me and Sophia are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Scaduto replies, “Well, Johnny, you are only 12. Where will you two live?”
Without a moment’s hesitation, Johnny replies, “In Sophia’s room. It’s a lot bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Mr. Scaduto says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Sophia.”
Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowances. Sophia makes $10 a week and I make $15 a week. Together that’s about $100 a month, so I figure that should do us just fine.”
Mr. Scaduto is duly impressed that Johnny has put so much thought into this.
“Well, Johnny, it sounds like you’ve got everything figured out. I just have one final question. What will you do if the two of you should happen to have little children of your own?”
Johnny shrugs and says, “Hey, we’ve been lucky so far!”
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It Just Kept Ringing
I called the tinnitus hotline yesterday.
It just kept ringing.
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Why Would Bob the Mailman Want That
A couple of guys are at a bar. The first guy says to his buddy, “My wife just admitted to me that she’s been having an affair with Bob the mailman.”
“What?” says his buddy. “That fat ugly slob I see every morning outside your house?”
“That’s right,” says the first guy.
“Jesus,” says his buddy. “Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?”
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Still Assembling His Cabinet
Did you hear that the CEO of Ikea was just elected president of Sweden?
He is still assembling his cabinet.
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Talking Dog For Sale
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, “OK… so, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running… But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”
“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a bullshitter. He’s never been out of the yard.”
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Making Headlines Everywhere
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines everywhere!
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His Mourning Coffee
What is the funeral director’s favourite drink?
He can’t start his day without his mourning coffee.
